Stories from the Outhouse! volume 1

This is a random set of jokes, anecdotes, observations and commentaries that may fall on the raunchy or less tasteful side. You have been warned…!

This is rated P.G. 13.
Check out story’s, vol 2 and 3.

These short story’s, are comedy.  They should not be taken seriously.  No bashing is intended.
The use of terms, wife, ex wife, girl friend, ex girl friend, man from Maine, my boss, are for story telling, and do not imply a real person inspired it! I’m not responsible for guilty persons!

I have been writing things down for over forty years. I have no audience, no publishing deal, no one to sell  C.D.’s too, even if I had the time and money too record one. This is my only outlet for my imagination. These story’s do not represent who I am as a person. Steven king writes horror stories, that doesn’t mean he’s a horrible person. Don’t judge me as a person by my art.
If you don’t have any Imagination, or a sense of humor, or understand satire, don’t read this. I’m making fun of Love, life, relationships, Divorce, woman,  and how we complicate simple things, that are meant to be free.

This post has been added to, on Feb 28, new material.
If you like these story’s, tell your friends on face book.

A friend of mine got a black, male pig. He named the pig Obama. I asked, “what are you going to do with A black pig named Obama?” My friend said, “I”m gonna Slaughter him In November!”

I have found two words too describe the state of the economy.
Barroke O’bummer! Thank you Mr. President.

I saw a bumper sticker, it had a picture of George Bush. The caption read, Do you miss me yet? This was priceless, and I laughed my butt off!

I’m enjoying the Obama Gate thing. I feel vindicated! I voted for McCain, and Romney. I can now laugh at the fools who voted for the current Commander and Thief! Nixon, eat your heart out!

Obama Care! A scam, if the rest of us perpetrated, we would go to jail! Those who can afford Health Insurance, all ready have it.  Those of us who can’t afford Insurance, will be forced to buy a policy so filled with loop holes, red tape, clause’s, fine print, provisions, and deductibles, It will never pay a single claim. Leaving the policy holder, holding the bag for all Doctors, and hospital bills! All while being forced to pay the premium on the policy,  which is useless. Most of us can’t afford to take a day off to go to the doctor. Who makes out, the insurance company makes money, the drug company’s make money, the doctors and hospital make money. We, loose money, as planed in the scam!

We fought a war of Independence against England over being ruthlessly taxed. The I.R.S. is the biggest, most ruthless, power corrupts absolutely, branch of government in the U.S.A. Never ratified, the I.R.S. lives in the shadow between Illegal, and necessity! With absolute Gestapo like power, and terrorist style method’s, they hunt down people, and shake them down for their money!  It’s not hard too believe the I.R.S. would be used to target any body who disagrees with the current  regime in Washington D.C. People beware!

I need a tee shirt that says, Boston Strong! Washington D.C. weak!

I hate Hillery Clinton!  I voted for McCain,  I voted for Romney. But given the choice between  Barrack Obama, and Hillery Clinton, I would have voted for  Clinton!

I was at a Fair in New Hampshire, and saw a tee shirt that said,  Charlie Sheen,  and Lindsey Lohan for president! I laughed my butt off! They couldn’t have done any worse than Obama. What made it funnier, was the sex scene with Sheen and Lohan in scary movie 5.

My love life Sucks. My love life is virtually non existent. I’ve come To the conclusion, that every Woman I date, must be A Dixie Chick! They just. Don’t. Believe… In BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A very Attractive early twenties woman was complaining that guys are always trying to look up her skirt. This Is normal behavior for guys. As long as a lady Isn’t doing a split without panties on, you can’t see anything. The next day, she went out in an Itsy Bitsy French Bikini! You couldn’t hide a dime In that thing! No skirt, no more problem!

I want a tee shirt that says “I love Pink too. So stop teasing me, and do something about It!” And a shirt that says “Make Love to me, not your cell phone.” And “Grade eight Wench Wrench, free loaner!”

My boss thinks he’s a mighty Hunter. He’s got the hat, gloves, boots, camouflage suit, guns, ammo, bow, arrows, stand In the tree. He talks a good game, but I’ve never seen him shoot anything. One day my boss asks me, “Gary, have you ever smelled A dead Beaver?” I said “nope, wife wouldn’t let me get close enough!” (P.S. This is a true story.)

My boss wants to drop a house on his Wife. He says he can make A fortune, selling the Ruby Slippers!

My boss says, I should have known I was in trouble on the day of my marriage, when my bride to be showed up at the church with a Limo driver on a Stretch Broom!

My boss married the Star and the Captain, of the High School kick ball team. He didn’t realize how good she was, till he tried to divorce her!

It Is always better to have a John Deere Tractor than a Dear John Letter.

What is the difference between a man, and a broom? No witch has ever had an allergic reaction to riding a broom!

The only criminal activity I’ve been involved with in recent years, was my divorce. It was a crime what that court did to me!

I miss having a wife on the really hot days.  When I had a wife I could count on the bed room to be freezing cold! I never need an air conditioner!

Girls don’t have to play nice, cause they have all the power! and guys can’t have any of it!

Insanity is dating someone new, an expecting things to turn out different!

There’s a fine line between being a lady, and making a guy wait so long he gives up. No body wins when a guy gives up.
Crazy is, when a woman who has never been a lady a day in her life, makes you wait forever, to get to the  intimate phase of the relationship!

My criminal record is a thorn in my side. The only time in my life when I’ve been in trouble with the law, was when I was married to my alcoholic, bad attitude, want to fight all the time wife.

My grand father told me he had a 57 Buick with dual air bags. I said grandpa, that’s not possible, they didn’t start making air bags till the 1990’s. Grandpa said yes I did have dual air bags, my wife and my mother in law!

Teenagers, we were back seat sinners, trying to make the grade.    We were back seat sinners, trying not to get caught! We were teenagers, trying to have fun, hoping we wouldn’t get knocked up.  We were back seat sinners, hiding under the cover of darkness.      We were back seat sinners, doing our home work, learning our lessons about kissing and loving, the hard way!

If Sex was money, woman would want to do it, and spend it,  all the time!

Girls give guys, hard feelings!

I placed a mass-a-kiss, on your apolcal-lip’s!

You can find me at Plenty of

There is nothing worse than the fear that your last girl friend, is going to be your last girl friend ever!
There is nothing worse than the fear that the last time you made love, is the last time you will ever make love!
Girls being in total control over those situations, will never have those fears.

I love making deposits, at the bank of Venous.

Men are from Mars, and love sex. Woman are from Venous, and hate penis!

I need an Insurance policy, that would replace a, cancelled, Totaled, or stolen relationship!

I liked playing doctors when I was a kid, we had fun, never got caught, never told our parents, the girls were willing, I never got threatened with a restraining order. Life was good!
Things are different with woman. If you try to play Doctors with a woman, It’s going to cost you money, and your going to need a Lawyer! And you will probably regret it.

Life just ain’t fair, A famous singer, Marries A famous Actress, who is wicked hot! I can’t get a date!
An old guy who owns a foot ball team, has a hot young girl friend. And I can’t get a date!
An old ugly rocker, has a babe half his age and gorgeous. And I can’t get a date.
some old politician has a gorgeous wife, and a hot hot girl friend. And I can’t get a date!
Some jerk has my girl friend on horizontal hold, and I still can’t get a date!

My ex girl friend has C. R. M. Can’t remember me!

She left me for another offer, not a better offer.

Your Fish, is my Command!

I’ve got a big crush on JUNK! I need a tee shirt that says, I Love Junk! Or show me your Junk! Junk rules my heart, Junk rules the world. I love magic Junk. Junk is magic. Hey lady, can you sport me some junk. A little junk never hurt anybody! Junk is never inappropriate. Junk is normal and natural. Junk should be easy to get. There is more Junk, than there are men. Supply, supply, supply! Let there be Junk. I love junk food.

It’s better to be a trophy boy friend, than to have no woman at all!

I would never throw a woman out of my room, for eating Lay’s chips in bed!

If you make love to a man with a broken heart, It will heal. Volunteers will go to heaven.

I don’t want to pay convenience store price’s for love!

Unfortunately, most men will never be able to compare their wife or girl friend to Linda Lovelace.  And most woman  will never try to be Linda Lovelace, even if it would make their man happy! A woman is always looking for a man she can call deep pockets!

My ex girlfriend redefined the words easy, cheat, lie, back stabber!  she also redefined the word hurt.
She wrote  the Dick-tionary of cheating!

A woman never keeps the little pink promises she makes.

Grand theft girl friend! A thief will never under stand the repercussions of stealing your girl. The hurt and the heart ache he causes.

I need a Genie, to grant me three fish wishes!

Home plate is guarded by the devils Angels, and they won’t let a man get on base!

I love Cat surfing! Cat surfing makes my nights Purrrrrfect!

A Mans Marital Miranda Rights.
You have the right to remain silent. If you choose not to remain silent,  your in big trouble! Your wife is the law now.
Every thing you say and do, can and will be used against you in divorce court! Count on it!
You have the right to an Attorney, If you can not afford one, heaven help you! It won’t matter, cause her Attorney is better, and she is going to win, no matter what.
You have the right to make one phone call, but why bother!
You have the right to be thrown out of your house, and slapped with a restraining order, at any time, for no reason at all, with no warning.
You have the right to know, that once Married, you don’t own anything, and you have no rights at all! No love making allowed!

I painted myself into the corner of a relationship. She played, while I couldn’t get out!

A cradle rocking, rocket man!

The Devil has a harem, and he added my girl friend to it! The Devil won’t let her go.

A man will go crazy dealing with a creature, born with a split personality.

The lies, the witch, the cheater. I had my own personal Snow Queen. She left my perfect world barren, and shrouded in ice.

If I could have Rowe and Wade, erase all the feelings I have for you.

Maybe I’ll be over you by next Christmas Eve. At least you won’t be around to ruin Christmas, like you did last year. Last Christmas Eve will live forever, as the day you broke my heart. When you dumped me for that Internet romeo, from the land of misfit toys. In the months we spent together, we were closer than most married couples. The love we had was the greatest gift, your six figures could not buy at any store. You returned the love on Christmas Eve, with out logical explanation! For a fling without love or zing, with a stranger, internet, misfit toy!

What do the movies Ted, and Oz the great and powerful have in common?  Mila Kunis, got to be a witch in both movies!

I always get the soap opera woman! I never get normal ones.

I’m truly baffled by why woman who are only looking for a platonic buddy, would bother to date a man. when a man dates a woman, platonic is no wheres near his mind! Men are always seeking a lover. This is very normal. Platonic buddy dates, are not!

When a woman says, not tonight I have a head ache, she means, not tonight, not next week, not next month, not next year!  What she really means is never!

It is not easy being a man. And having a gun that reloads It self automatically, no mater how many times you shoot it. The worst part is, the target a man has to shoot at, runs too fast, and doe’s not want to be fired on! Target practice at the pink shooting range, has been put on moratorium!

They say practice makes perfect! So girls, how do you expect guys to get good, if you won’t let us practice!

It doesn’t matter how hot something is on the out side, if whats under the hood is no good!

I met her at the Traitor trading post, She led me down the path, letting me believe it was love! Then the Traitor from the trading post, traded me for a player traitor from the back woods of Portland. She cemented the deal by cheating on me like a traitor always will. Now they are Traitor and Traitor,  player and player, but will never be heart to heart. Here I walk back from the garden path, trying to get back to the trading post. Where I can trade in my broke heart, send it back to her, the traitorous host!

I wish there was a build a bare woman work shop. I could build any kind of woman I want! No one could take her from me!

I was pinch hitter for a player, then she jumped to an other team!

Going to bed hungry, with plenty of food in the house. With no girl friend, I go to bed hungry, and starve all threw the night, every night.

I’d rather have a player piano, than a player wife or girl friend. No one would be playing my piano when I’m not home, and a piano  never needs a night on the town to cheat.

A little advice for you guys.
Do not eat the Alimony pie! Stay away from the child support tunnel! And do not leave your D.N.A., anywhere it can come back to haunt you, or ruin your life!

What would you get if you crossed love stink’s with, the vagina monologues? I don’t know what too call it, but I wouldn’t stick my nose in it!

My boss says, if I sing at work he’s going to kill me. I think should sing all the time at work!

I’m not her tool of choice any more. She sure didn’t trade me for Snap on or Crafts man, she got less than made in china!

Make love, not war! This was a rally cry of the Hippies during the Vietnam war area. These days it should be the rally cry of the American marriage! Make love, not war!

She gave me three months of heaven, followed by three months of hell.  Trying to fall out of love, is the price I paid for a cheaters break up.

My girl friend Hooked up with a Professor Steffen Philanderer,  at the University of Cheating, in Harlot Maine.  He tutored her nights, and week ends, any chance he can get. He tutored her in the back seat, closet, the gym, on his desk, at his shack, all tuition free. Her first assignment was to cheat on me,  crush me, and dump me.  She passed her first assignment with flying colors. She will never fail the course, her ability to cheat is outstanding. She had accumulated  many credits before she met me. How can you fail, when your sleeping with the  Professor. She should be careful, she’s not the first fling he’s tutored, or used. He will hurt her. Thank you Steffen, thank you January Snow. You two cads, lairs, cheaters, deserve each other!

My Boss finally has a girl friend. I don’ want to say she’s fat, but all his friends are calling him Kermit!

Tonight I’m super, come unglued! I’ve got an ex girl friend, and a current broken heart. No matter how hard I try to stop them, there will be tears! next time I fall in love, maybe the woman will stay, and be faithful!

I’m so glad cars are not romantic! If I had to sweet talk, or wine and dine my car to get It started, I’d never get to work!

I need more sugar in my bed room, and less in my diet.

I saw a beautiful Princess in an Escalade. I know this Prince, and his white horse, can’t afford her!

Three months without a girl friend for a guy, Is like one hundred years of a woman , going with out , make up, money, cell phone, new dress, new shoes, vacations, dinner at a restaurant, a car, cheating, girls nite out, hair dresser, credit card! Try living with out all that stuff girls! see how it feels!

I need a woman who comes with a burning permit, I like to play with her fire!

I’m a taco pie guy.

Wife’s and girl friends, never wait for free agency. They just jump teams, and leave.

The Witches Of Celibacy.
There is this junk shop in a run down building, Where witches sell, magic wands, rocks, minerals, bracelets, pendants, charms, dream candles, herbs and female chauvinism.  The witches are phoney, and non of the junk they sell works! These witches are so anti love, anti men, anti sex, It’s pathetic. A man couldn’t get a date, or endearment in that store, with a million dollars, and a white horse! I think they worship false gods, Vestal, Medusa, Susan b. Anthony.
Do not waste your time stopping at this store, there is nothing worth wild here.  All good men, beware of The Witches Of Celibacy, no good will come this, you’ll find no love in that store.
Men, do not refer to a broom as a mode of transportation, you might  get killed by Phoney witches! It won’t be pretty!

My Bosses wife tried out for the part of the wicked witch of the west, in the new OZ movie. She was over qualified!

My Bosses wife Demanded he get her something really Expensive, that she would never forget!  So he gave her a Divorce!

You know your in trouble, when the Judge in your divorce, is nick named the terminator! And men are dead meat!

I’ve got love deficit disorder! It’s caused by no girl friends. My two wife’s caused this condition too!

There ain’t a dam thing lucky a bought being a man. There are no rewards, for being a guy, a husband, or a father.

A Sater could die of neglect in this day and age!

When I was a kid, there was a commercial. Lay’s potato chips, no body can eat just one! Well boys will be boys, and we use to say, A Woman, Is a lot like potato chips, no man can eat just one!

I’m having an out of your love life, out of your body experience.

Guys dream of taking a rocket to the moon, and exploring the perfect crater.

The girl was driving me plum crazy. Her Mini skirt was making me bananas. Her melons were making a point, twice. Peach insanity seduced me into madness. Until the night I shook the Cherry tree, now every thing will be alright.

I hate Anchovies! Once by accident, I ended up with a special pizza with anchovies on it. The anchovies smelled bad, they tasted bad! No one would eat it, I had to throw the pizza out! I hate anchovies! They remind me of my ex wives, and ex girl friends! I should have thrown them out!

She was a techie baby, the phone, the computer, the tab-late, the gadgets. She does not compute, when it comes to love.

Cheating doe’s not compute, that’s why woman do it. that’s why, my ex’s did it, that’s why woman are so good at it!

My friend says, I haven’t been punished enough. So he’s going to fix me up with his crazy, ex wife! He says she will push you over the edge. She will kill you !

P. M. S., So many definitions.
Pack my suitcase. Permanently mental syndrome. Pretty messy sex. Probably means stupidity. Pretty means stuck-up. Player meets stud. Pass me satisfaction. Pleasure my stick. Pepperoni meat slot. Pop my sanity.  Procure men’s safety.  Pass my slut. Protect men’s sexuality. Punish mean sisters. Premier master Split. Pussy miser statistics.  Potentially mastermind setup. Pandora’s misdevious sleeve. Prude monsters suck. Painful midol senorita. Prude’s masturbate secretly. Premadonnas mess-up sex-lives.  Persnickety Miami sexpot’s. Palimony melts sensuality. Peter meets Stevie.  Polished metal singer.  Play my symphony. Pro teen meaningless psychobabble. Prolonged metallic structure. Poughkeepsie mainline span. Paula munches Stefanie. Party mentality study’s. Petticoat madness situation. Pizza money spent. Perfect mental-case savant.  Prostitute money sleeps. Prostitute monopoly sucks.  Professor Maine steals.    Particularly mean Steven!

Ex girl friends. Curse them!

Did you hear a bought the sweet, Innocent, farm girl?  She won the player of the year award! What a heart breaker.

Who put the Pink, in the Pink Cadillac? Why didn’t they save some for me?

When I got married, She went into a sexual comma, and never came out. The doctors could not find a cure. After I divorced her, she woke up from the comma, and was cured! It’s a  Miracle!

It’s so cold outside, It’s a three Babe night. No dogs needed!

She picks up all her new boy friends, at Gigolo’s R US!

I wish I was a witches broom! At least I would get ridden once in a while!

If anger was love, and hurt was pleasure, and bitterness was a lot of woman I made love to. I could die a happy man!

You know your getting old when, the Beatles are your favorite band, now you listen to country.
you know your getting old when, all the woman who are pretty, are too young for you!
You know your getting old when, you’ve turned into your father, and you said that would never happen!
You know your getting old when, you want to go home, go to bed, go to sleep, and do it all by your self!

Dain bread bail jait, are nothing but trouble!

If it’s a Secret, put some dam clothes on it!

Millions of Angels! Their job, is to keep men out of Heaven.

Girls are Prudes when it comes to sex, but exhibitionists when it comes to skimpy fashions!

A Trojan Heart.
I’ve had my heart broken many times. Every time it hurts, and takes a long time too heal. My heart needs protection, from pain, hurt, love, and being broken. If I wrapped my Heart in Plastic, Then I would not be able to feel A thing! Like kissing threw a plastic bag, It would be a Trojan Heart!  No woman could ever touch it!

Love is like booking passage on the H.M.S. Booty. You hope love will be bounty-full, And that there won’t be  any mutiny!

Wife’s and Tattoo’s cost a lot to get, hurt like hell, are impossible too remove, or get rid of, never really go away.

It’s really hard to forget, when the last gift she gave me for Christmas, was a broken heart! It’s the gift that has lasted all year. She took back the Love, the pretty paper it was wrapped in, and she took back the box it came in, and left me the broken heart!

An ounce of prevention, is worth millions of dollars of child support!

The difference between a Bikini, and a married man. A bikini comes in two pieces, A married man can’t even get one piece.

Humans mess up, and complicate. The best things in life that are intended to be free. Woman never live up to their physical or emotional potential!

Life begins on the other side of the Bikini line.

I am programed to be a male. This is normal, and natural. If you are not programed to be a female, that’s not my fault. The glitch is you. I understand what a male is,  and all that imply s!

I love Italian wedding soup, I hate weddings! they should make an American Divorce Soup. Bread and water, with a bitter seasoning, served cold. The divorce judge will take that away from you too!

Suicide is a long car, A tall cake, a white gown, a black tux, a Preacher, and a big party afterwards! Guys, don’t commit suicide!

I don’t understand why they still call them brides maids. Maids are virgins. Non of these brides maids have been virgins sense ninth grade!

Rock the fishing boat, In a Beaver skin coat!

I wish I was born a beautiful woman. I would have been very popular in Elementary  school. I would have had boy friends in Junior High. I would have been the most popular girl in High School. Lots of boy friends, and sex anytime I wanted it. As a woman I could get men anytime by snapping my fingers. I would never  have to spend a night alone, I would never have to know what it was like to not be able to get a date. I would never have to know it was like to live with out sex! If I was born a beautiful woman I’d have it all. But no I had to be born a male, cursed to live with out love and affection, no dates, no girl friends, no sex!

When I was  a kid, I worshiped guitar God’s, Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton. Well now I’m old, but I still worship guitar God’s, Brad Paisley, and Kieth Urban.

The dating pool, It’s more like a cess pool!

Making love, gives a man a boat load of confidence. Making love cures depression. Making love stops hostility. Making love is the glue that holds the world together.

Next time a woman dumps me, she better use a gun! It will be faster, and hurt less.
I’ve had way too much Drama Trama.

Hey Guys, try to git a date! You’ll see that nothing runs from lov’in, like a Dear!

Marriage won’t work, cause men are like Republicans. They believe everybody works, You have to earn your keep, If you don’t put out any effort, you don’t get any thing. Peace, love, respect!
Woman are like Democrats. They feel like every thing should be given to them. And they should not have to do a dam thing to get It!

Woman, they promise you love, then they pull the rug out from underneath you!

Loving a woman is like Devil worship!

Girls can get a one nite cure for a broken heart, any time with out trying. A guy can’t do that. I wish I could!

Going back to an ex girl friend, is like massakiss’t Kisses!

Alcohol will not cure the American females allergy to sex! Some nights If you lucky, It will help!

There’s nothing dirty in a hayloft. Just sweet clean hay, and good clean fun.

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