Rated P.G. 13.
Story’s from the out house are random jokes and comments out of my imagination. no bashing is intended. This is the only outlet I have for my art work. Some of this material is R, X, or P.G. rated. This comedy is for guys over 13, and no females should read it. If females read this, I warned you!!!!!
What is the difference between Led Zeppelin, and a husband?
Led Zeppelin has a whole Lotta love, marriage leaves you dazed and confused, a husband can never get to the stairway to heaven, get a living loving maid instead of a wife. If Moby Dick ain’t happy, you sing a lemon song , and it’s been a long time sense I rock and rolled.
What doe’s a husband call the Police showing up at the door with a restraing order?
A Sting operation!!!! Husbands don’t get any fields of gold! He holds every breath he takes waiting for his wife to cheat on him again.
Vampire Revenue Service. The band.
Debut c.d. Out for blood.
Second c.d. Nail in your coffin.
Third c.d. Steal your money.
Fourth c.d. Bleed you dry.
Fifth c.d. Sun lite is for working stiffs.
Sixth c.d. Can’t get out of hell.
Seventh c.d. Kill you one bite at a time.
Vampire Revenue Service, live in Washington D.C. Greatest hits.
C.D’s available on Corrupt Greedy records.
In concert, April 15th, in Washington D.C. Tickets, ten thousand dollars each.
Tickets available threw Don Scalper, and Dead country productions.
Web site, Vampire Revenue Service bites .com.
Wanted, Hurricane Employment.
Wanted, a tee shirt that says, Hey babe, make love to me, not your cell phone.
Save a broom, ride a Warlock!!!! Hayloft rodeo champion, free lessons.
If a famous coffee shop, merged with a famous restaurant chain, then I could go down to Dunkin Hooters, and get a tee shirt that says, America runs on Hooter’s !!!!!
Can you name the lost Johnny Cash song. A night in June.
What is a vampires favorite 50’s song? Twilight time!
What is Joan Jett, and Sherrie Curries favorite Katie Perry song? I kissed the girl and I like liked it. It’s a Runaway hit!!!!
It’s all about the booty, no treble. So ball me maybe??
Divorce douche, it cleans out your savings account, checking account, retirement account, leaves a man smelling broke!!!!!
Back seat biologist.
Professor at the John Homes school of love.
I suffer from repressed love life syndrome.
A wedding, It is a bad day for the groom, A good day for the bride riding a broom!
Jam clams, rock.
I have carpet tunnel syndrome.
I love the wenching hour.
I got married to make love, I got a big black financial hole.
When woman start believing in sex, I’ll start believing in woman again!!!!!
My heart has more holes in it than the Bonnie and Clyde car !!!
Woman don’t know how to operate a man catching device.
Love was a good bad experience. Marriage was a lesson in what not to do again.
Cold beer, and Bare woman.
I remember when balled meant something special. Now it means I need to wear a hat!
Cherry twister, a sweet vortex.
The greatest invention, and the human beings first play thing, is the slip and slide. If a man is not careful a slip and slid, turns into a pink trapper keeper.
I have a lot of frequent broken heart flyer miles.
Men are wicked stupid, cause men are way to willing to play in a dirty cat box.
Pink washing machine, put a clean thing in, and it comes out dirty, from washing so many men’s things.
A woman has a man by the magic wand, but she won’t let a man near the magic rose.
Going to the movies isn’t as much fun as it was when I was younger. These days the only thing you will smell on my fingers is popcorn.
I have no sympathy for the creatures, but I understand how a great white shark feels. I got kicked off the beach for eating a life guard. She was gorgeous, and tasty!!!!! No crime in that!
I went to a long time friends house, and left a note with her son inviting her to go out for breakfast. She never called me. a month latter I found out she was mad at the invitation, and accused me of stalking her. She was telling people she is afraid of me!!! Man was I mad!!!!! I never stalk any one, I never ask a woman for a date twice!!! I had liked this woman for years, but never asked her for a date. I thought she was out of my league. Now I see that I’m too good for her, and she is out of her mind!!!!! I hate cigarettes, so I was giving her a handy cap. I won’t talk to her any more. It’s her lose!!!!
Sexy is when a girl/woman is being nice, not the fashions she is wearing. Sexy is when a guy doesn’t have to ask for love, sexy is when a woman offers, and volunteers, her love.
I had a dream!!!! Wives, work, bills, assassinated the dream.
I have an issue with a song. Girl in a country song, by Mattie mattress, and Tat ta Tay! The song has girls complaining about how girls dress, and blaming it on guys!!!! Wrong!!!!!!
Guys do not tell girls how to dress!!!!! If a chic is dressed like a slut, tramp, ho, hooker, guys are not to blame. Girls pick out and put on C.F.M. outfits all on their own. There are guys who wish girls would dress a little less slutty. They dress like a slut, but won’t make love to us guys. Oh I can’t do that!!!!!! False advertising !!!! Come on girls, get a clue!!!! The secret to life is making love as many times as you can in a day. It’s not money, or shopping, or a cell phone!!!!!! P.s., I do like the song, and the video is funny!!!!
I love country fairs. But fairs are wicked hard on the eyes. The universal fashion at a fair, is a tee shirt two sizes too small, and cow girl boots, and cut off shorts, three sizes too small!!!!! I can’t help but look!!!!! I think the reason girls have lost interest in sex, is their clothes are so tight, it cuts off the circulation to their most important parts!!!!!!!
Shes not my style of music, but I do think Charlie X.C.X. is hot!!!!!! I can’t figure out what the X.C.X. stands for. Now if it was Charlie X.X.X. that would be crystal clear. Every one knows what X.X.X.means!!!!! I wish Charlie, would be X.X.X. with me!!!!! I’d even bring the Pepsi. We could make beautiful X.X.X. music together!!!!!!!
Going to the movies is not as much fun as it was when I was younger. These days the only thing you’ll smell on my fingers is popcorn!!!!
Do you know what the difference is between olive oil, and a high school girl???? You will never find a 100 percent extra virgin high school girl.
I love pink Kryptonite!!! Even when it kills me……
I love a midnight ride in a pink Ferrari……
I love bumping into things that go pink in the night!!!!!!
Big business never thinks things threw! They eliminated my size underwear. Now I have to chose between too big, or too small!!!!!!
I’m just an interim boy friend… Use me for a while, then dump me for someone new, or go back to some one old.
I’m looking for a Halloween costume that will scare the hell out of people, and make them run away!!!! I’m at a choice between Roger Goodell, or Hillery Clinton………
She’s got me heart wired.. Shes hot like a stolen car, and fast driving away with my love!!!!
My girlfriend played post office too much for too long. Her package was getting too much mail. none of it was from me!!!!!
My family jewels, they haven’t been used much…..
It’s older cars, and younger woman. And enough money to afford both!!!!!!!
I’ve lost faith in mother nature, and father time keeps kicking me when I’m down!!!!
Old dogs and husbands, after a certain age, they stop trying to run away!!!!!
A question you will never hear from a woman. Doe’s this dress make me look horny????
Loving my wife was like trying to tap the north pole!!!!
My wild oats have been neglected for so long, my wild oats don’t care any more!!!!!
A fools heart keeps getting fooled…..
I love potty body’s…..
I was at a country fair, and they had Mumford and son’s port ta potty’s. I wonder if the band knows about this. I hope it isn’t a reflection on their music!!!!! I hope the band doesn’t take it personally.
I can prove that I am better than Santa Clause. Santa comes one night a year. I am available 365 nights a year, and I can deliver presents too!!!!
I have found new ways to spell an old word… Pu$$y. Pew$$y…. A fishy rose by any other name is still a pussy!!!!
I have a first girl rule, The first girl who wants to sleep with me wins…..
A man is like a model T, he is simple easy to operate, needs very little fuel. If you want to get a model T started, turn his crank. A man is always looking for a model A ride!!!!!
Age is a lethal thing, a man can look forward to milk duds, and malfunctioning cherry bombs….
My last girl friend told me she was divorced for the nine months she dated me…. Then her husband got out of prison. She told me she couldn’t divorce him cause he was in prison… She wouldn’t tell me she went back to him, and she wouldn’t dump me!!! She just left me hanging!!!!! She told me she could not kick him when he is down, He has no place to go……. I didn’t think any one could top getting dumped on Christmas Eve, for a guy from Maine!!!! See Dating Suck’s.. And Maine turnpike Romeo on you tube.
Plymouth County Court House, the best divorce song you ever heard, on you tube!!!!
More to come.