Story’s from the outhouse, volume 3.

This is a random set of joke’s, anecdotes, observations, and commentaries, that may fall on the raunchy or less tasteful side. You have been warned!

Rated P.G. 13.
check out story’s, vol 1, and 2.

These short story’s are comedy, and should not be taken seriously. No Bashing is intended!
the use of the terms, wife, ex wife, girl friend, ex girlfriend, man from Maine, my boss, are for story’s telling. And do not imply a real person Inspired It. I’m not responsible for guilty persons!

I have been writing things down for over forty years. I have no audience, no publishing deal, no one to sell C.D.’s to even if I had the time and money to record one. This is my only outlet for my Imagination. These story’s don’t represent who I am as a person. Stefanie Meyers wrote books a bought Vampires, she is not a Vampire. Don’t judge me by my art!
If you don’t have any Imagination, or a sense of humor. If you don’t understand satire, don’t read this! I’m making fun of love, life, relationships, divorce, and how we complicate simple things.

If you like these jokes and story’s, tell your friends on face book.

If I had spent as many hours playing guitar, and making love, as I have fixing cars, I’d be very good at playing guitars, and very very happy!

I go to a restaurant, there will be all these pretty waitresses, and I’ll be like this is a great place, I,m  going to enjoy this  meal. The hostess seats me, and they give me a waiter! What a let down!

Females and certain sects of society, strive to make everything a bought sex, bad, wrong, dirty, illegal, immoral, perverted. They  make a guy  feel like a criminal if he like woman, and loves sex! BUT! If they are trying to sell something, cars , food, music, movies, etc. The first thing they do is put a female in a Bikini, or a mini skirt! The closer to dirty, the better things sell! talk a bought a contradiction in terms!

I looked up the video for the song American Beautiful.  The lady singing the song, is absolutely Beautiful in a black mini dress! I wish I could get a date with her! In the song there a line, She holds up her panties with a Bible belt. It’s a very clever line, as a writer I liked it, as a man, I thought, why in hell do girls want hold on to their panties so tightly, you can’t have any fun on a locked play ground. It’s an absolute SIN! the Bible has stopped more humans from making love, a normal natural thing. Than any other book in the history of man kind. It would seem the book, has burned man kind!

A high speed Internet phone, makes her the fastest cheater In town!

Please tell me what the magic word’s for woman are. I’m tired of the jerks, the A,hole’s, the men from Maine, getting all the woman.

Woman should come with a check engine light. So I would know when they need to be serviced!

I love shiny pink moon’s.

When my ex wife died , I told the kid’s she went to heaven. I lied!

Love is like an antique quill pen. It works best when you keep dipping it in the Ink!

I could never figure out why they call it being pussy whipped. Those guys who are being whipped, Are not getting any pussy!

With woman, the Impossibility’s are endless.

Snatchos, By Free toe lay! A favorite snack of guys.

A woman told me she hated men! I asked why? she said, men require too much attention! I told her, men don’t need attention, they need maintenance! I told her, give men, Oil changes, Lube jobs, and regular tune ups! they will purr like a kitten, and never give you any trouble!

Lets elope to a motel, we won’t need a preacher to spend the night, or a Lawyer to get out of it.

I’ll never get married again! But I’ll take as many honey moons as I can get!

Girls need a manual override button.

I can’t wait for Armageddon  to come. When there no one left to make Battery’s, Computers, or Cell phones, Men will be back in demand!

Men and woman, were not designed to be platonic.

Your fashion statement is making me extremely excited! So put more clothes on, or do something a bought it!

I have a female friend named Paige. she has two boy friends, who don’t know a bought each other. Is it safe to say, the two guys are on the same Paige?

God created man, the devil created woman. God and the devil got together, and created marriage, cause Hell was full!

A wise man once told me, if your wife, girl friend, or date won’t sleep with you, she’s sleeping with some one else!

When I was around thirteen, I went to a wedding. It was a second marriage  for the Bride and groom. For the groom, the band played back in the saddle again. for the bride, the band played, It don’t hurt any more! I might have been a kid, but I got the joke!

Truck pull, Horse pull, Ox pull, Tractor pull, the right handed marriage pull! the one you won’t find at a Fair, Ain’t fair.

Being single is like looking for a good used car, you won’t find one in cherry condition.

When I’m looking for a girl friend I need, girl A girl history report.

The worst part of nursing a broken heart, is knowing she’s nursing every guy in town.

You’ve been out all night perfecting the art of cheating on me!

I’ve learned that I can count on, death, taxes, bills, broken cars, crocked politicians, work, traffic, and that woman will sleep with anybody but me!

I’ve learned that no woman, movie star, T.V. star, Pop star, Country star pretty, will ever go out with me!

She loved me once in a Blue Moon,   Beer!

If you are going to cheat on me, and divorce me. Please do it before we have kids, before I buy a new car, before I buy furniture, before I buy a new house!

I wrote a song, The Ballard of Linda Lovelace. I tried too get the song on the radio. They said it would be too hard to swallow!

Johnny Cash sang the wreck of old 97. Johnny Homes would have sung the wreck of old 69!

There’s a fine line between being a lady, and making a guy give up , cause he ain’t getting any where!

She was a honey moon harlot! She wasn’t going to stay for long, but It was good while it lasted!

My boss says, spare the lightning rod, and spoil the woman!
My boss also says, woman are allergic to the lightning rod! Boy is that the truth!

Identity theft, is what happens to a guy, when he  gets married!

She’s French and Indian giver, she  showed me what love is, then she took it away!

The hardest part of getting over some one, is knowing shes out running around. you miss her, but she ain’t missing you!

A woman will always dump you for a guy, who’s half the man you are, as long as he  makes twice the income.

Fishy fairy tales, never have a happy ending. You can never trust a fish.

I was in this bar where some friends had a pick up band , and were doing an open mike thing on Sunday nights. They would get me up to sing and play, some times they would put me on stage with guys I never met, or played with before. Fly by the seat of your pants, make mistakes, learn something new, it was fun. I made friends.
There was this chubby blond, half in the bag, bragging how she  took her husband over the coals in a divorce. After a while I got sick of listening to her. After all I got screwed twice in divorce court! I told the drunk blond, Lady! If you hadn’t forgotten how you got the kids, your using to extort money from your husband, you wouldn’t be divorced!   This is true for most couples, they forget what brought them together.

She’s Expensive, and Superficial!

I wish I was a bang wiz! Just once in my life, I’d like snap my fingers like Fonzie, and have woman fall at my feet. To be rich or famous enough to get any woman I want. Just once in my life!

I hate cheaters, they are wrong on every level! And the damage they do is beyond repair! They never think of that, or who they are hurting.  Fact is, cheaters don’t think at all! So when some thoughtless womanizing jerk, Or man from Maine traveling gigolo, is making love to your wife ,or girl friend. It’s like Scum, on dirty pond water!  Scum and dirty water ain’t fit for human consumption.

My ex girl friend, is a Professor of Cheating. I learned more a bought History from her, than I ever wanted to know.

Hey ex girl friend, shouldn’t you have let the sheets get cold, before you brought the next guy in?
Hey ex girl friend, shouldn’t you have broke up with me, before you ever dated, or slept with him?
Hey ex girl friend, shouldn’t you have looked before you leap, when you consummated your next fling!
Hey ex girl friend, do you think this is all funny,  and when you dumped me you thought, I wouldn’t feel a thing!

What make’s a John Deere Tractor great.
You can depend on a John Deere tractor. A John Deere tractor won’t let you down. You can ride a John Deere tractor any time you want, and not get in trouble for it! If your tractor breaks, you can get it fixed. If your tractor won’t work, you can sell it. You can look under the hood, and check out the engine, any time without getting thrown in jail. You can lock up your tractor for safe   keeping, and it won’t try to escape, or complain. A John Deere tractor is functional, low maintenance, and never complains a bought being used for what it was designed for.  A tractor Don’t smoke, drink, lie, cheat, steal, get jealous, spend money, do drugs, make demands, need a night out on the town, or nag!
you never have to worry a bought your buddy’s riding your John Deere tractor, when your not home!

I have to thank that Justin kid. thanks to him I can say, Beaver Fever in public, and not get in trouble for it!

No offense to Shakespeare,  But I’d like to rewrite the play, so that Juliette, { Aka January Snow. } lives.  And that awful internet Romeo, DIE’S!

She’s a hit and run player, she ran over me.
If she was a movie it would be entitled, cheater on the Hudson.

I need a love Genie, I’ll just snap my fingers, and she’ll let me in the bottle. Show me some Magic!

When I was a kid, my Uncle had a farm. I fell in love with It. I was a hayloft dreamer swinging from a rope in the barn.
He sold the farm before I was old enough to drive the tractor.
He sold it before I was old enough to know what the hayloft was really for! Rock and roll in the hay boys!

In the Movies, A guy meets a beautiful woman. The woman will actually go on a date with him. She falls in love with him. She willingly has sex with him. They live happily ever after, and she doesn’t  cheat on him.  This is so much better than real life! Wait a minute,  that’s right even the Movie is phony.

A guy I know was drinking with his girl friend New Years eve. she got all pissy  and started a fight. He didn’t hit her, but he smashed her cell phone, cause she was seeing another man too, and his phone no. was on caller I.D. He called the other guy and told him the chic is a two timer! Now she has a restraining  order against him. And he s going to court with nine charges against him. He wants to buy her a new cell phone, and drop the charges. She won’t drop them. He might go to jail. I got off easy, mine dumped me and I never saw her again!

Uncle Sam loves technology, Sam has a G.P.S. in everything, so he can find you. He loves bank, credit, debit, and store cards, he knows every dime your spending. Now uncle Sam is working on tax messaging.

If I’m ever stupid enough to get married again, and it don’t work out, there will be no cop’s, no restraining orders, no court,  no Lawyers, no Judge and no property battles! I want a Chappaquiddick divorce! It worked for Ted Kennedy.

She’s washing her Cheating sheets, but the sheets will never come clean! They will be stained by her treachery for ever!

It’s pathetic to see a piece of crap pick up truck, with a rocket science radio. If the tunes don’t sound good on a factory car radio,  your listening to the wrong kind of music!

I have too much of a con chance to be single. I couldn’t sleep with any ones wife, girl friend, fiance. I asked my boss what he thought of me dating a woman who’s twenty, or ten years older than me. My boss said, bang them all!

The term wife or girl friend, simply refers to the woman currently cheating on me.

My ex girl friend works for the Department Of Internet Affairs. She make’s big bucks. But she doe’s charity work. Just ask the happy guy’s she cheated on me with, and the looser she dumped  me for. At least they are happy!

My favorite bond movie is Diamonds are forever.  There have been a lot of great looking bond girls, I wish I was Agent, 0069, and could take advantage of being a guy! My favorite bond girl name is, Pussy Galore!  A name that describes a mans greatest fantasy. The dream that is never fulfilled.

She was spoiled, spoiled rotten. She is financially independent stupidity, Relationship near sited, And six figure ignorant!

She is wicked, deceptive, cruel, calculating, as Elphaba. And unfaithful, cold, unreliable as an Ice-najg! Your love has no effect on her, she will never stay with you.

I’d rather have Chicken baked, roasted, broiled, in the oven, than chocked!

Sexual power corrupts. And absolute sexual power corrupts absolutely! Ask any man, he’ll confirm this is true. Especially the men who are dumped, divorced, cant get a date.
Sexual power corrupts all Females.

Instant Bitch, just add Beauty!

I love that take out Mexican restaurant I can go there to eat out any time I want. It’s the one place I can get a Taco that isn’t trying to take my house, car, furniture, money, life!

I saw the movie, Silver Linings play book. In the movie, Bradly cooper is a husband who comes home to find another man banging his wife. { happens every day!}  He beats the crap out of the guy, and I would say he is justified!  So they arrest him, take him to court, put him in a mental institution for six months. When he gets out, he has restraining orders against him, and can’t do anything  a bought it, he can’t talk to his wife.
What should have happened,  They should have arrested the other man, who was dead wrong to be with some one Else’s wife. they should have arrested his wife for being a slutty cheater, and convicted her of adultery. The husband who was being cheated on. should have received a medal of honor for beating up the moron who was banging his wife, and putting a stop to an atrocity! If only the law worked the way it should, we would be better off.

I saw the witch movie, Beautiful Creatures. I thought it was good. The witch falls in love with a mortal, and he falls in love with her. This puts the two of them in danger. She blanks out all memory of his loving her to save his life. In the end he remembers every thing. Making the point, you do not get a choice who you are attracted to, or who you fall in love with. Once you are in love with some one, You will always be in love with that person. Fighting it, trying to forget, only makes it worse. I can hope that any woman I have been in love with, loved me to. And is condemned to think a bought me , for the rest of their lives!

Some jerk, some where, is getting January Galore! And I hope it tastes good, so he  will know the bitterness, when some day she’s gone!

To be, or not to be, that is the question.  I exist only to work. For all of my adult life, I lived to work, and have not enjoyed it. What I wanted never mattered. I worked to pay bills, to do chores, to support wives, and kids. I watched others get what they wanted, I was used , made other people money.  Love, affection, kindness, love making, truth, I got shortchanged. Now I’m old, and its to late. I can’t change anything. I can’t find love, that will stay.

I hate cars! I’ve had to work on them all my life, and have nothing to show for it. When I drive, cars are a blur, they are in my way, on my bumper, or cutting me off. I don’t pay much attention to what kind of car they are. Till now.  Try getting over an ex girl friend, when there are a million of those stupid little S.U.V’s. she drives! I can’t go any where without seeing them. Try following one all the way to work, and one the same color, oh my God! If I had a gun I’d stop loving her today! Just like the George Jones song! I can’t get away from them stupid things, It’s making me crazy! Curse the Jap cars! Curse ex girl friends!

Where do Alaskan lesbians go to drink? Klone Dike Bars!

I want to park my heart at the corner of sugar and spice.
I want to study the science of sugar and spice.
I want to dock my Rocket at the intersection of sugar and spice.
I want to donate my body to sugar and spice.
I want to live my whole life, to be buried in sugar and spice.

The Doom’s Date Machine!
The Doom’s Date machine wandered in from out side the New England Galaxy. It made a course toward the most densely populated part of the southern Mass solar system. The machines programing, to attack any man who gets within it’s spare of influence. To devour men for sexual fuel, leaving in the machines wake, a path of destruction! Men in piles of rubble, broken and battered. The dooms date machine was last seen headed north toward Bangor, searching for more victims. And not even Captain Kirk can stop it!

Save a marriage, ride a husband.

I hate it when woman treat men like tampons, they use us a little, then throw us away!

I always pick the wrong person to fall in love with.

I’m surrounded by lottery machines. and can’t win.
I’m drowning in a sea of cows, and can’t get no milk!

2012, It was a loveless summer. Then I found January Snow, It was the love of my life at the start of September. The wonderful fling, that lasted till the first day of winter. The sudden breakup at Christmas, left nothing but cold for months. If I can make it to Spring, or find some body new, maybe I’ll be alright.

My boss says, I’m so up tight that I need therapy. And I totally agree! I haven’t had therapy sense, December 17 , 12. On Dec, 22. 12. My therapy started going  to some one else, Illegally of course! As of the moment, I haven’t found another woman to give me therapy. And that Suck’s!  Therapy, should be easier to get.

Trying to get a date is like a job interview. some people are not very good at interviews, and never get the job, I never get the date!

I wonder how many new boy friends she’s up to sense she dumped me. Maybe I should call the Guinness book of world records.

Love is a lot like Snow. You never know when it’s going to fall, how hard it’s going to fall. Love like snow is pretty when it first falls, but it turns ugly really fast.

Never be on the bloody side of a broken heart!

Pink plumbing contractor. 24 hour emergency service. Pipes cleaned, connections made. Drains unclogged.

A woman on a date, asked the guy if he liked the beach. He said yes, but I prefer to swim in fresh water. The woman countered, that she wants to walk on the beach, not swim. The woman said, that there are too many things In the ocean that want to eat you! The man said, your worried a bought things in the ocean that want to eat you, but your on a date with a guy!

Pretty wife’s and girl friends, will always run off with another guy!  So like the song says, never make a pretty woman your wife. Get an ugly wife or girl friend, no one will steal her.

I wish there was a build a bare woman work shop. I’d build perfect pretty date, with a happy ending!

I mentioned the University of Maine to my boss,  He said I know the place, It’s a bar. Every body graduates with a 4.0 blood alcohol level. I said yes I know, my ex girl friends flunky gigolo boy friend is the janitor there!

You know why relationships with woman don’t work? Cause woman are gold digger wise, and whoopee stingy! Extremely whoopee stingy!

Dearest Darling January Snow, drove a stake of Holly into my heart, on the day before the 2012 Noel! Not Darlene, not Scrooge, could have been so cruel, and heartless! To have taken away all the love, the hopes, the dreams, the life, the light, at Christmas, or any other day of the year. A Margi and a gift she is not.

You can’t scratch an itch threw blue denim jeans, sometimes you just  have to take them off, to get to the itch!!! A man who will scratch your itch is good to find.

When I was young and stupid, I wanted lots and lots of Pink Gold! I wanted so much Pink Gold I could drown in It! I wanted to mine all the beautiful Pink Gold I saw every where I went! I never got the Gold I wanted, and I paid dearly for It!
Now that I’m old and wise, I realize there’s no such thing as Pink Gold!  It’s Pink Kryptonite, and this Superman don’t want to die no more!

You can count on, Fed ex, The US Post office, Parcel post, U.P.S. You can count on, the Currier service, the bike messenger, E. mail, and the pizza delivery guy. But the U.S. Female, don’t deliver!

Whats the difference between a train tunnel, and a Vagina?
The train tunnel has a light at the end of it!
A train tunnel never complains a bought being a train tunnel.
A train tunnel doesn’t care a bought cars full of baggage.
A train tunnel doesn’t have a period to screw things up.
A train tunnel doesn’t care which end of the tunnel you drive the Locomotive into.
No man gets arrested for driving a big locomotive into a train tunnel!
A train tunnel doesn’t care how big or small the locomotive is,

When did all the lousy 80’s songs, that no one liked in the 80’s, become Oldies?

I love Italian wedding soup, even tho I hate weddings. They should make American divorce soup. It’s made up of bread, and water, with a bitter seasoning.  And the court will that that away from you too!

Loving a woman is Devil worship! That’s why they put you threw Hell!

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