Storys from the out house! volume 2.

This is a random set of jokes, anecdotes, observations and commentaries, that may fall on the raunchy or less tasteful side. You have been warned!

Rated P.G. 13
Check out story’s, vol 1 and 3.

These short story’s  are comedy, and should not be taken seriously. No bashing is intended. The use of the terms wife,  ex wife, girl friend, ex girlfriend, man from Maine, my boss, are for story telling, and do not imply a real person inspired it. I’m not responsible for guilty persons.

I have been writing things down for forty years. I have no audience, no publishing deal, no one to sell C.D.s. too, even if I had the time and money record one. This is the only outlet I have for my Imagination. These story’s do not represent who I am as a person. Don’t judge me by my art. If you don’t have any imagination, or a sense of humor, or don’t understand satire, don’t read this! I’m making fun of love, life, relationships, divorce, and how we complicate the simple things in life, that should be free!
George Carlin told dirty story’s, in real life he was not a dirty old man.

If you like these story’s, tell your friends on face book.

What do Democrat’s, and  divorced men  have in common? They blame Bush, for every thing that went wrong!

How do you kill a whole country, with out firing a shot? Elect the wrong people. { they will blame Bush to. }

What do you get if you cross Benedict Arnold, with Mary Magdalene?   My ex girl friend!  { p.s. Benedict Arnold, was famous for being an American traitor, and Mary Magdalene, was the prostitute Jesus saved in the Bible. }

Never date a woman who needs a G.P.S. , to keep her lie’s, secrets, story’s, and ex boy friends straight. you’ll become one of her white lie’s, and secrets!

I’m looking for a new girl friend. But, I’ll settle for a rental.

My ex girl friend, works for the Department Of Internet Affairs. Call her for an appointment, She’ll squeeze you in! Internet Romeos are her specialty. Will travel for business support. Accommodations provided by, Motel 69.

I was a UNTIL boy friend. She used me Until she found  someone else, with more money, new car, better house, better job.

If it was as easy to get over her, as she is easy, for a jerk player to score on her. I would be over her along time ago!

Never ever date a woman, who’s past would make a hooker blush!

The Ultimate Kiss Of song. Suitable for use on any ex, who has done you wrong!  : It’s not you! : By Halestorm. Think Zeppelin, with a female singer. This song is great on many levels. It rock’s, with a pop sensibility, and It’s a great story, well written. I’d send it out to my ex, and her cheating heart. Check out, It’s not you, on you tube. Dedicate it to an ex!

On Star Trek, the mission was to boldly go where no man had been before. When dating A new woman, you boldly go where every man has been before!  she’s not going to tell you so.

WANTED! A home less woman living in her car. Who would be  so happy to have a nice guy in her life, and a place to live. She wouldn’t care what he looks like, how much money he makes, how new and what kind of car he drives, What he doe’s for work, where he lives! A home less woman, who’s not pampered or spoiled, won’t lie or cheat, complain, start fights, or run off with an other man!

Just once, it would be nice if all of the stuck up, pretty prima donnas, could no longer snap their fingers and get men! How cool it would be, if the too pretty for their own good, use to getting what ever they want, any time they want, woman couldn’t get a date, and could not get any sex at all. It’s always lady’s { I use the term lady figuratively! } choice. A male is at a woman’s mercy. I f just once it were men’s choice, and woman had to beg us for a date, or sex. Then they could see how it feels to live with out, then things would change, Maybe there would be equality, and sex for all!

If Bride’s came with a money back guarantee,  my two father in law’s, would owe me a fortune!

Woman wonder why men, drink, play pool, play golf, watch sports, follow NASCAR, ride Motor  cycles, play guitar, go fishing, go hunting, work on their four wheel drive pick up, hang out with the guys?  It’s easier than trying to get laid! And a lot more fun than nagging.

Make love, not divorce! Husbands need it too. Men need maintenance. If you don’t take care of your car, it won’t be there when you need it! Same thing a ply’s to a husband.

A woman’s Mod-us Operand i, Head mess, money take, and Vaggie keep away! If woman worked half as hard at loving us , as they do playing Vaggie keep away! We would all be happy!

What doe’s it mean when your girl friend is always accusing you of hitting on other woman? Shes cheating on you!

A phony Read head, makes for a phony girl friend.

I went from having a girl friend seven nights of the week, to I never existed, in one weekend. Cause of an internet predator, stranger from the back woods of Maine.

Beware of,  the Maine Turnpike  Romeo, he will steal you girl friend, put you in heart break that never end’s!  Fasten the seat belt, lock all the door’s, he’s gonna treat  her, like a little Whore. Hide the computer, don’t let the man in, cause he will be taking your girl friend for a spin. With a knife he will stab you, so deep in your back, Your never gonna get, your girlfriend back! He’s clever, like a back wood’s boy in the hood. When he’s done with your girl friend, she’ll be damaged good’s!  He cruse’s the Pike to wreck your world, drives half a work day to corrupt your girl. He comes on like Mad max, J. Homes, and McQueen, his conquests will ruin all of your dreams. He don’t care how much you love her , so just keep calm, He’s on the web, at I’ll bang your girl friend, dot com!  He cruse’s the turn pike, in a metallic gold Charger. With internet brag’s, of being much larger!  The Maine Turnpike Romeo, take aim, and shoot to kill! Or he’ll steal your girl friend, your Kiss and your thrill! The Maine Turnpike Romeo, he never pays a toll. He’s at the drive threw, looking to order my girlfriend too GO!

Humans should treat sex just like food. three meals a day, snacks, and desert! No waiting, no reservations, no arrests, and no problems!

Female’s hate the term friends with benefits, But isn’t that what a relationship or marriage is? Think a bought it!

I want a relationship, where the bills stop, the fights stop, disagreements stop, the chores  stop, the car repairs stop, the mortgage payments stop, home repairs stop, the nagging stops, working for a living stops, her cheating stops. And the making love, never stops. Cause the making love is always the first thing to stop!

If  my love life was like professional base ball, when I’m losing, and my players are out of commission. I could call up some replacement,  triple A lovers from Pawtucket.  I’d call up a woman, to cover first base, a woman to cover second base, one to cover third base,  and a hot blond pinch hitter, for the home run, at home plate! The girls on the farm team, sure know to sow wild oats!

Why are banana splits so great? They are wicked sweat. You can play with the boat. They are frozen, but you can still enjoy them. Their nuts, but don’t need a shrink. Nobody gets mad, if you eat the cherry. They are nice and sticky.  they taste good, you can lick them, and no one will care.  And no guy ever got arrested, for putting the banana in the boat!

Having a girl break up with you, is the meanest, cruelest, thing that can ever happen to a guy. When a girl breaks up with you, she already has a new guy to take your place. And she  has already test driven him! Girls can get a guy, any time, any place, with out trying! A guy can’t do that. he is at the mercy of females and could go years with out a date, or a girl friend! How is this fair?

There’s got to be more to woman, than make up, money,  and cheating.

Cooperation, is hooking up for the good of man kind.

Cooperation is, doing for your husband, or boy friend, with a smile, what you would do for, some drunk, druggy bum, degenerate, ugly jerk. That you just met at the bar, and don’t even know his name! Or the A- hole you met on line, who,s just playing you, and is  gonna dump you!

Once a pone a time when I was young, I hoped I would get lucky. Getting lucky is, Unexpected, and extremely rare co operation, on the part of a female. Now that I’m old,That’s all myth and legend. And at my age, getting lucky, is hoping I die in my sleep!

People don’t always like my humor. I tell them, George Carlin, did not get famous, for doing the seven most polite words you can say on T.V.

My boss said, did you know that Jesus fed a thousand men with one fish, and two buns. I replied really! So did Mary Magdalene!

I was in a convenience store, I was drooling over a Foxy actress on the cover of a magazine. I wish I could get a woman like that, I said to my friend. Those kind of hot babe’s never bother with me! My friend said, out in Hollywood there is a man, who is so tired of putting up with her crap, he would gladly give her to you, just to get rid of her! Well I never thought a bought it like that!

The one thing a man will never find on A Honey do list is, Honey! You Bee stupid, if you think your getting any of that!

I’ll give my first wife credit, she didn’t need a computer to cheat on me. She did it the old fashioned way!

My second wife, was half French, half Indian. She Loved fire water! But fire water brought out the absolute worst in her. I can tell you from experience, the whoopee, is not worth the war path!

My last relationship, she was half french. Never get involved with a woman with french blood. They will never be faithful! you can’t trust them to keep them away from, the bratwurst, the knockwurst, the salami, the pepperoni, and the baloney!

I’ve been burned by brunettes, I’ve been crucified by red heads! Next time I want a blond,  who’s smart enough to know a good man when she has one.

I hope my next girl friend dumps me for a man from New Hampshire.  I can’t take being dumped for an other man from Maine. It would be humiliating,  degrading, and depressing!

A stupid womanizing jerk sleeping with your wife, or girl friend, isn’t just plain wrong! It’s a Night mare! It’s a horror movie, and the movie should be titled, Bang -Gore! Rated R, for Repulsive!

Bad wife’s and girl friends, make good muse’s!

My girl friend broke up with me on Christmas Eve. She could have  waited till Valentines day!

Whats the difference between the St’ Valentine’s day massacre, and the Christmas Eve massacre? The Valentine’s day massacre, they used guns and thousands, of bullets to kill some guys.  The Christmas Eve massacre, my girl friend didn’t use a gun, or bullets to kill me. She just cheated on me, dumped me!

Hey stupid, your spending Valentine’s day with the wrong man!

When my girl friend broke up with me, She refused to take back all the thing’s she bought me. She took the only thing I wanted to keep. Her!

Talk a bought a twist of Irony! My ex girlfriend is moving way up to Harlot Maine, to live with her  back woods Deuce Bigalow.  Now she’s officially a Hillbilly Harlot!  He should decorate the bed room in his hunting shack with signs that say, Entering Harlot!

Hey  Honey, if you paint the out house Pink, man from Maine  might be able to find it! Good luck house breaking him!

The back woods  Deuce Bigalow, thinks the Internet is when your having sex with more than one girl friend!  My ex girl friend will love that!

I wonder if Harlot Maine is any where near Peyton Place. Because my ex girl friend and man from Maine, certainly are a Soap Opera!

I should have sprayed my girl friend with back woods hillbilly off. Then that hick out house Romeo pest, would have stayed off her.

Driving north on the pike, in an  S. R.V, is another way of saying she cheated on me. She love’s me, but he make’s more money, that’s why she’s giving him the honey.  She never told him she already had a boy friend, when he stayed over Christmas week end. She neglected to tell Maine boy a bought me, now every body knows she cheated on me.

Internet Philanderer, why did you steal my girl, There are lot’s of other girls for you out there in this world. You could have found girls in Portland, Bangor, or Water-ville. Cause all you really wanted was a cheap little thrill!
Internet Philanderer, why did you take what I had, with out a thought what you done might be bad. You could have gone back to your wife, picked up broads in a bar, Instead you drove to Massachusetts, to steal my girl friend in your car!

My boss says, there’s lots of fish in the sea! Yea, and they are all wearing chastity belts, love money,  have  bad attitudes, and are too good to give a guy a chance!

This toy is to big to hide in your dresser draw, and wonders what you ever wanted me for! This toy loved to come out to play, and did not want to be thrown away. This toy has feelings he laughs and he cry’s, and did not want you to say goodby! This toy doe’s not need battery’s, he gives love and affection, he doe’s not belong in your discarded toy fling collection! This toy really loved you, would have been your King, now I know you never felt a dam thing!  I wanted love, I wanted joy, I never wanted to be a player woman’s toy! I almost feel sorry for your new plaything, how will he feel when he finds out he’s nothing more than a fling!

I dated a woman who’s  in the  boy friend witness protection program. she doe’s not want  any evidence she ever dated you, so she can tell the next guy I’ve never done this before.

I’ve got a bad case of, Post Traumatic break up Syndrome! Please send a beautiful nurse, with special med’s!

A man in love is a fool, who would take a woman back, after she lied, cheated, stabbed him, and dumped him, for some jerk, who isn’t half the man he is! some day she’ll figure out what she had, and threw away.

Charlene,  Ursala,  Nicole,  Teressa,  Sally!  Ex girl friend’s you wouldn’t want too meet next Tuesday.

I never understood what the big deal is a bought virginity? A car works better after you break it in!

When Eve split the Adam, it was an atomic reaction!

Woman are strange creatures. They will tell you a bought a couple of relationships they’ve had, but they will never tell you a bought  their thousands of one nite stands.

Never date a woman from Vergennes city, there’s something in the water that makes them crazy!

Professor, the university of birds, and bees. tuition free, night classes enrolling now!

I love Pink Kryptonite, even when it kills me!

Marriage turned me into a loveless, fun less source of income. With no rights and no authority! I’ve determined I can be love less, fun less, broke, and live in a messy house all by my self!

I love ,Guitars, Chocolate, and Ice cream. They are easy to get, inexpensive, they don’t talk back, they never ever tell you no, they can’t fight, they can’t cheat on you,  and they don’t know how to dial 911! that’s why they are the perfect love substitute.                    I’ve never seen a guy get in trouble, for picking up a guitar bringing it home  and playing with It. I’ve never heard of a guy getting a restraining order  for eating Chocolate. I’ve never heard of any guy going to Jail, for licking an ice cream cone!

Why woman are so hard for men to understand. A woman is the only thing in a mans universe, where he has to start at the top, to get to the bottom! And he ain’t never getting to the bottom!

My two wife’s were good for one thing, and one thing only. Writing county songs! Hank Williams never had so much inspiration!

If they built the Titanic, like my wife, it would have never gone down!

The Ocean is a harsh and foreboding mistress. Sailing men fear her. But , she never complained when she swallowed the Titanic!

Three woman. The girl in school who started me writing, too good, too smart, too pretty, to popular! I never had a chance. Her  name, Holly. My first wife, the serial cheater. Her name, Noel. My second wife, the addict. Her name, Darlene. In the order I met them, by what their names mean,  It reads, Holy Christmas Darling! You could  date a thousand woman, and not do that again!

It’s been so long sense I’ve been to home plate, I’ve forgotten what if looks like!

Hey girls, what part of anatomically correct, don’t you understand!

Remember, Barbie dolls are no fun, if you can’t play with them!

Girls are totally anatomically correct when it comes to fashion, make up, face lifts, breast augmentation. But when it comes down to guy’s, the bottom line, the nitty gritty, the prof in the pudding, proving that you are a woman,  girl’s are just manikins!

I hate when I see girls and woman wearing clothes that say, Pink, I love Pink,  University of Pink! When a guy see’s the word Pink, he doesn’t think of a blouse,  a skirt, sox, ribbons, Rose’s! He thinks of one thing, and one thing only! He can’t help it! This a grossly unfair tease! Don’t display what you ain’t planing to give away. Do not advertise, what ain’t for sale!  And don’t start a fire, you ain’t planing to put out! Simple common sense.

Making love ain’t rocket science girls, don’t make it impossible for the rocket to get to the moon!

For a man, It is better to be single and celibate, with money in the bank, peace of mind and option’s. Than it is to be married and celibate,  with no money, no peace, no option’s, and have your woman  cheating on you!

Today I wanted to kill my boss. I almost did. It would have made his ex wife very happy, so I couldn’t kill him. To make an ex wife happy is a crime!

This being single suck’s! Every woman I meet is, too tall, too short. Too young, too old. Too fat, too ugly! Every woman I meet, has a girl friend, a boy friend, a husband! every woman I meet has a bad attitude, an allergy to sex, a drug or alcohol problem! Or have been burned so bad they won’t even try any more, or won’t give a guy a chance!

It’s been so long sense I’ve had a girl friend, or a tune up! Roseann Barr, Melissa McCarthy, Joan Rivers, Susan Boyle, Natalie Maine’s, Elisabeth Warren, Margret Hamilton, crazy Lindsey Lohan, are starting to look really good!

Being married, made me feel like I was sleeping next to the valley of the dead!

All my life the guys would pack their guns, ammo, bows, arrows, camping gear, in pick ups, campers, buses, and go up to Maine hunting. Always up north, never around here. This might sound crazy, but who ever heard of a man from Maine hunting dear in Massachusetts?  He didn’t have a permit, and he should have left my dear meat alone! The out house reject, should have stayed in Maine where he be longed, and no one would have got hurt!

I hope my next girl friend, will tell me up front that she is a player. That I’m just a fling, shes only gonna keep for three months. She will tell me shes never dated  any one else, I’m her first fling, even tho It’s a lie!  Oh, she still has an old boy friend she hasn’t broke up with yet, hasn’t slept with him in years.  She s only going to let me think I’m in a relationship. shes going to accuse me of hitting on other woman, when I’m not, cause shes a cheater, and feels guilty. I will know up front, she will be dating behind my back, because shes always on the hunt. But the rules are, I can’t see other woman. I’m aware ahead of time, every thing I do will be wrong, this will give her reasons to start fights, and be mad at me  all the time. And give her reasons to practice breaking up with me, she will pretend to come back. she will call me to tell me she didn’t like her date, so I won’t realize he’s following her home to spend the night. It’s OK for her to sleep with two men at the same time, but I can’t have two woman at the same time. I hope my next girl friend will warn me not to  fall in love with her, because shes going cheat on me, and dump me for some guy from Maine  on the next holiday weekend. Instead of spending it with me like we planed! I can’t be devastated, because I was for warned.  She will never have any feeling s for me, It will all be an act.   If my next girl friend tells me all this in advance, I won’t be surprised next time.  P.S. she should tell me that she has more miles and germs, on her, than an old Grey Hound bus, so I can protect my heart, and body!

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2 Responses to Storys from the out house! volume 2.

  1. kate hernandez says:

    I would have to disagree with you on one things, not all us ladies can get any man, not all of us are not upfront and honest about the past. I prefer to tell it how it is, I don’t try to cover anything up. Not all of us women are lucky, if I was to be single again it would take me a long time to have any other guy be interested in me. I been thur a world of hurt too and it has had a lot of effects on me. Some people both men and women are cruel, for example I had an old friend who miss lead me for 2 years, lying to me about everything and everyone, who begged any women off his list on sites like facebook and tagged to meet him, meanwhile spend 12 plus hours with me in person, telling me he not ready for anyone but yet liked me as more then a friend, silly me thought I can wait and try to get his attention. Something I dont normally do, I normally just back out but for some reason I didn’t and I regret that choice ever since. I could have walked away from him after a month but choose not too, and if I did I wouldnt be as messed up as I am not that still 2-3 years later I am effected by all that he did to me, with all his lies, I lost so much money as I was the one who payed for anything we did or went to. I hope you dont mind this comment. Just know your not alone with the people who use people. Bad part is they have us feeling that we are fools.

    • Gary says:

      Dear Kate, love is hard for most of us, we get hurt. I’m just making fun of life and what has happened to me. Comedy is medicine.

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