Rudder and Cruder, Stories from the out house!!!!

Stories from the out house imply s that the material is unacceptable to be told in general public….. Like in Church, the supper market, on T.V., or around, what do you call them dam things,,,,, Oh yea, Woman!!!!!!
Rudder and Cruder stories is a place to post the R. and XXX rated things I have in my head, and on paper…… I can let it all hang out…..
Warning!!!!!! Do not read this page, if you are a female of any age, a Vestal Venous, a prude, a me too disciple, hate men, hate sex, love money!!!! Or if your a me too freak..
Do not read this page if you are a male under the age of 17……
It is not my fault that I think like a Comedian, and crazy things come out of  my head….. I did not ask to be like this, mind boringly normal would have been nice…… I blame a girl I fell in love with at 14, { and the Beatles… } for starting me writing poetry, stories, and song lyrics……. Made the gift / curse was there all the time, she just woke up the force… Unfortunately, I was terrified of her and what I was feeling, and never knew how she felt cause I was too afraid to ask…. She’s never heard the story behind it…. it’s on my bucket list to tell her, or write a book…. She was a girl I could never get, or keep…. She never liked me, had a crush on me, loved me…. There is distance…. It’s better this way…….
I also read too much mad magazine, hustler humor,  and loved George Carlin… I was never normal, and never fit in……. I am totally harmless, and would never hurt anyone….. I’m more afraid of woman, and people than they could ever be of me….
You Have been warned, if you read this page, there is no turning back!!!!!
If your some version of the Gestapo,,,,, Get the fuck of my web page, and mind your own business!!!!!!!!!!
Check out, Turkey swamp, the story I’ve never told……. It’s on a different post…

Rudder, cruder, stories from the out house…..
Also, psychology 101. Thoughts on the insanity of the weekly grind…
Famous woman I wish I could date…. New feature…..
Twisted song lyrics….. R. rated words to songs you know and love….. A dumb idea I’ve had for a long time… Guys will love it, females will hate it……
Names for all girl bands……. R rated, true to life……..

My law firm of Cosby, Wynn, and Winstein, tell me I should stay away from woman, they are bad for you health……

Why are Sharks smarter  than men? When Sharks eat pussy, they don’t leave any evidence, and Sharks never go to jail……
Why are men better than Sharks? When men eat pussy, they leave left overs…… Woman just ain’t smart enough to appreciate it…..

What is the difference between an egg, and a vagina? An egg comes in a protective shell, so you know it’s clean when you eat it……
Make Vaginas great again!!!!!! It’s Un American to be celibate.
At my age the only woman I can get, are old fat and ugly……
I don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs.. I’m not a lair, cheater, player, king of the one night stand…… I’ve eliminated every single woman out there!!!!!
50 years ago, if a man didn’t smoke, drink, do drugs, he was the guy woman were looking for….. Now he is no fun!!!!!!!

Every time I get lucky, it ruins my life!!!! I had a tee shirt made with this slogan on it….
Should make a tee shirt that says, Former wedded prisoner and child support slave… Currently on parole…..
Had a tee shirt made, Hayloft high school…. A better education… Get some, straight A’S…..
Also made one, No wife, no girlfriends, no one night stands, no restraining orders, no jail, No more problems….
Normal guy, may the testosterone be with you…
I’m not sure if I’m haunted by who I am, or haunted by who I wanted to be, and never got the chance to be….

Any man who is a father, is destine to fail at father hood…. Your kids will hate you.
Any man who becomes a husband, is destine to be a failure, cause it always ends up all about money, not love…
Marriage fails cause woman don’t understand what marriage is, and fucks it up completely…. Most important, be nice to your husband, have lots of sex with you husband, don’t lie to or cheat on your husband… He didn’t have to marry you, he threw his life away for you…..

I had a young guy laughing in a discount store… I was looking at the led flash lights, and told him, I won’t buy anything that required C battery’s….. Woman who won’t have sex with men, have created a demand for C battery’s by using vibrators….. They have made C battery’s harder to find, and more expensive…… This is stupid, cause men don’t need battery’s…… Just turn us on…….

Woman are designed to be functional…. I only wish woman could remember what that function is……
Any kind of marriage, is grounds for divorce….. I didn’t get married to work two jobs, pay bills, do choirs, fight all the time, and be celibate…….. No sex, it ain’t marriage!!!!!
Trying to scale that bar room cat fish… It gets kind of messy…..
The difference between a Christmas stocking, and a Vagina….. You can stuff a Vagina all year long…….. You won’t go to jail for stuffing a Christmas stocking….
There is no I in team…. There is an I in marriage, divorce, child support, infidelity, alimony, lies, fibs, investments, restraining order, vagina, fights, bitch, witch, kids…… With all those I’s, it’s no wonder, relationships don’t work……

Hearts break!!!! Vaginas never break!!!!!
Give me liberty!!!! Or give me Hillery Clinton……
I have a bucket of water, and I’m not afraid to use it….
I like spending Christmas under the camel toe, with mistletoe over my head…

I met a woman named Sybille at karaoke, back in may…… It took five weeks of going to the karaoke bar to find her again…… She led me to think she might be interested in me…. When I tried to get a date and phone no. , but, she shot me down…. When I wasn’t there, she asked my buddy where i was, the week after she crushed me, she asked my buddy if i was alright…… I asked him to tell her, rejection is a way of life, don’t worry about it….. I was given to understand she was upset with that…. Sybille is living up to her name sake….
Multiple personality’s…..
Woman are the devil, marriage is hell on earth…. men enable the devil…..

Crushes on girls are always a crushing blow… Love ends up like Hiroshima, your heart gets bombed, and the fall out go’s on forever….. Fifty years later, your still in love with a female you can’t get……. The radiation is still deadly….

There are candy and present holidays… There are beer and whisky holidays.. There are greeting card holidays… There’s a rose’s and dinner holiday…. There are fire works holidays….. why aren’t there get laid, or blow job holidays???? How about a be nice to men holiday…… That would be too simple….
Super hero’s save the day!!!!!! Super woman saves a mans nights!!!!!!!

The only thing more difficult than getting over the Bourne bridge to Cape Cod in the summer, is getting a date with a woman…. And forget about a happy ending……..
The only thing dirty about sex is being cheated on…. There never has been, and never be anything wrong, or dirty about sex…… Sex is normal, it is a great part of being human…..
Sex is a force of nature, that needs to be excised constantly…
The wrong with sex is the propaganda woman and society have been brain washed into..
The worst crime in the world, is when you can’t get laid… That’ a capital punishment….

I recently saw country duo Maddie and Tae at a country fair… They are very good, and put on one hell of a show…. It cost 10.00 to park, 7.00 to get in.. Can’t get cheaper than that for a out door show… They had a hit song, shut up and fish…. The guy had more than bass on his mind… Of course he did, that’s normal, and the way life should be…. I came home that night and wrote this…..
Guys know where to find a fishing hole, guys know how to use a good ridged fishing pole… Guys ain’t afraid to get their fingers fishy dirty, To the horny pout guys know how to be flirty….. Guys know what kind of bait, to use on a fishing date, cause it’s not nice to make the cat fish wait…. Find the wet water and start, take the fish hook to the heart…. Girls smile, and let the guys do the fishing…… Get some special cat fish, and just get cook’in don’t worry if anyone’s looking… On the dock or in a room, guys love cat fish perfume… Girls, just smile and let the guys do the fishing…. Like a hippie chic just get hip, and enjoy the fishing trip.. Give a fisher man lots of hope, when he dances there in the boat….. Loves gonna click, when you hit that climax fish.. Girls, just smile and let the guys do the fishing… Life’s much better, when the guys do the fishing….. A fishing hole should never be hard to find, that makes life unkind, no fishing makes a guy out of his mind… Shut up, and let the guys do the fishing!!!!!!

Lady’s, leave your hood open, I’ll check out your engine…. I’m a mechanic…..
An unmarked cruiser will get you a ticket, an unmarked woman will get you thrown in jail..
So much has changed in fifty years…. Peace and love, the sexual revolution, make love not war…. Hippie chic’s were so much better than today’s woman… Hippie chic’s were all for love, go with the flow, mak’in love, no problem…… These days, woman are extremely up tight, not in a good way…. The love box is out of sight….. And there ain’t no men getting in the grove…… Men are staying away from the grove, men don’t want to go to jail…
The me too movement, and the casting couch fall out is having a dramatic effect on the ice cream business…. Men will not eat a banana split, they are too afraid of going to jail…..

In the old days, marriage was what a man did to get laid…… Now days, Marriage is what a man doe’s to be celibate…. While she cheats on you….

I don’t know why people and the government can’t leave things alone…. There is a movement to repeal the abortion law….. Leave the law alone!!!!! My first wife was a serial cheater…. If it were not for guilt and abortion, I would have supported four kids that were not mine…. She was not maternal, and the four kids would have put a restriction on her cheating……. There were no D.N.A. tests back then, a judge would not have cared, he would have stuck child support up my ass….. May west said, a woman only gets married so if she gets pregnant, she has some one to blame it on…… I certainly hope the two kids are mine…. If not, we have been living a lie for over forty years… After the divorce, her mother raised the kids….. I would have raised them if the system would have let me….. The system is broken, and will never be fixed……..

Fuck the world I want to get off….. I do not fear death!!!!! I fear life, I fear longevity, death sets you free from work, bills, taxes, car problems…. Dead men don’t get laid, neither  do husbands…. I ain’t had a girlfriend or get laid for over three years….. I’ve tried, woman are so impossible to get….. Men should be in control of dating, and sex….. At least men know what to use a vagina for… It’s too bad woman don’t….  What is the sense of living if your health is gone, you have no money, you can’t go anywhere, or do anything…….. If you not getting laid everyday, you might as well be dead…. I can’t wait to get it over with….

What do you do with a book? read it. What do you do with a chair? you sit in it..What do you do with water? you drink it.. What do you do with a T.V.? You watch it… What do you do with a bed? you sleep and get laid on it… What do you do with food? you eat it… What do you do with a bike? you ride it.. What do you do with a woman?????
{ For those of you not smart enough to figure out that last one, you have sex with her…. You might say, FUCK HER!!!!!! }

This proof that men are smarter than females……..
If a man sits on a horse, he knows it’s a horse… If a man sits in a car, he knows it’s a car…. If a man sits on a tractor, he knows it’s a tractor…. If a man jumps in the river, he knows he’s getting wet… If a man catches a fish, he knows it’s a fish… If a man sits on a bale of hay, he knows it’s hay.. If a man sits on a mountain, he knows it’s a mountain…. If a man sits in a jail cell, he know it’s a jail cell… If a man sits on fence, he knows it’s s fence.. if a man sits on roller coaster, he knows it’s a roller coaster…….. If a man sits on a pot of gold, he knows it’s a pot of gold…. So explain to me why woman are running the world!!!!!!!!
A woman sits on a vagina her whole life, but she don’t know what it is, what it’s for, where to find it, what she should do with it, and what it’s used for…… Men don’t have a vagina, but we know what they are, where to find one, what you are suppose to do with them….. Men are so are so smart, we know vaginas are not weapons, and should never be used as one……. They are to be use for love….. The secret to life is to make love as many times a day as possible…… For you whole life…….

The Platonic Plague… It’s and epidemic, It’s contagious, there’s no cure….. You can’t kill the cause of Platonic Plague, it would be murder…….. Men must suffer the Platonic Plague.

I didn’t create the universe, I didn’t create the earth…… I did not create life, I didn’t create man…… I did not have anything to do with creating females!!!!!! I had nothing to do with the creation of humans, kissing, tits, vaginas, ass, sex, horny, passion, desire, fucking….. I don’t know who or what created all of this, but the force, or god intended men and woman to get laid…… All this was in place long before I was born…. So why am I always in deep shit, or being punished, and persecuted  because I like woman, and I’m programed to want to get laid…… Isn’t what men and woman were designed to do!!!!! No guy ever asked a female to do something she wasn’t specifically  designed to do, like sex….. Stop persecuting me for being normal guy, who wants and needs to get laid…. It’s the healthiest thing humans can do….
At least I’m not gay or something weirder………

Kiss a girl, get arrested… Touch a girl, go to jail… Kiss a girl fish, go to hell…..
I was tickled pink to read that Stormy Daniels husband wants a divorce…..  And he wants everything, including their daughter…. What kind of idiot would marry a woman who’s job it is to be a slut, fuck on film…… To cheat on film, and to brag to the whole world that she had a fucking affair……. I hope he ” Trumps” her in divorce court…… She deserves to get fucked in divorce court, just like men do……. It would be nice to see a man win for a change…..
They are all way’s in a hurry when a girl reaches a certain age, to run out and get her a training bra…… It’s like a badge of honer, right of passage, OH My GOD!!! I have tits now!! I can flaunt them…… Drive boys crazy with them….. I’m so cool…..
What about boys!!!!! We get to a certain age, we have to suffer the force of, need to get laid adolescence with no hope of satisfaction…. Shouldn’t boys get a training girl friend????? A girl to practice on, learn to be a man, an adolescence angel to ease the pain of a fucked up age…… No, training bras are OK, no one could get the importance of a training girlfriend… Another example of why the world is so screwed up…

Born with a vagina!!!!! You can push men around…. You can bully them, use them, lie to them and cheat on them….. Use them, manipulate them…. why can’t you use a vagina for good things…… Instead you use vagina to hurt men…

The favorite flavor of normal, heterosexual men, is pussy spice… The greatest spice in the universe……. What kind of guy, wouldn’t like Pussy spice… I love it!!!!! TOO bad Pussy Spice is sooooo hard to get….. Come on Lady’s get with program, make with the Spice… The universe will be a much better place……… Like Joan Jett said in the song Cherry Bomb, Get down lady’s you’ve got nothing to lose!!!!!!
P.S. , Pussy Spice was not in the Spice girls…..

I was at  country fair, wearing my Dunkin Hooter’s  tee shirt….. A woman with the carnival, saw my shirt and we started talking…. She told me that she started having sex at age 11….. Some older boys talked her into it, sex didn’t know what sex was….. She thought these boys must really like her if they wanted to do that…… I asked if she liked it??? She told me, he was a kid and lasted about five seconds…… You kept doing it, I asked?? She said yes, from age 11, all threw her teen years, she never stopped having sex….. You must have liked it, she said yes I did….. Did having sex hurt you? She said no……
She told me that she is happily married with kids, and that those years of sex when she was young were great memories…… I wish I had a girl like that in my neighborhood when I was a kid……. My life would have been much happier, What I had in my neighborhood, was stuck up prude girls who would have told their mother if I made a suggestion like sex… Those girls don’t know what they missed……..
I love pink tornadoes…. They really twist up my nights……
What is the difference between a woman and a urinal???? A urinal never complains when you use it for what it was designed to be used for!!!!!!
I wonder how a woman would feel if her car called the police every time she tried to put gas in it. Your only sticking the nozzle in a hole for a good reason…. No big deal!!!!!
Or what if a cell phone called the police and had you arrested every time you plugged the u.s.b. cord in….. A little recharge never hurt a woman!!!!!!
If your guitar called the police and had you thrown in jail every time you tried to plug the cord in, there would be no beautiful music……..
A guy I know from work is having a tee shirt made for me that says, AREA 69… Official government secret…. Access denied… Keep out….
I want a tee shirt made that says I love witch spice, and hot cauldron rides…..
Cause I can’t put I love pussy spice, and I like to get laid on a tee shirt and wear it in public……
Woman, love, sex, are just witch craft gone very wrong…… It would be so much better if woman were not impossible to get….. How did sex become so wrong in females eyes….

Look up I hate you this Christmas, on you tube by Kate Nash… It’s a song I can relate too… I hate you cause your fucking one of my friends……
If you get to see the movie, Anna and the apocalypses, it’s high school musical meets a zombie movie…. It has a Christmas song that’ a little dirty…….. It’s worth the price of the movie….. One of the lines is, Santa cum down my chimney and empty your sack to night….

What is the difference between a dog, and a woman???? You never have to teach a woman to roll over and play dead…….
The Albatross dodo pussy…. It’s a Lemming….. It’s an endangered species….  Endanger of never getting used……
I spent my whole life wanting to, needing to get laid!!!!!! It did not get done like it should have….. Doctor told me, use it or lose it…. Well, no thanks to woman, it didn’t get used properly, or regularly… Now it won’t work at all !!!!!! Thanks girls, for nothing……. Getting laid ain’t so hard to do, and never costs a girl a thing to do it…..
My love life filed bankruptcy, my body disowned me, my dick sued me…. That what happens when you can’t get laid…

There was dating gate, Wedding gate, pregnancy gate, meal ticket gate, celibacy gate, cheating on me gate, fighting gate, divorce gate, the illegal child support gate, the homeless man gate, the alimony gate….. There was everything but the water!!!!! I didn’t get wet…….
I was in a store, and they had honeymoon steaks, a cut I never heard of before….. I asked the cashier if I have to give up my kids, house, car, furniture, money, sanity for those steaks????? Turns out she has been threw a divorce, and thought my comment was funny.. It’s nice to know some people have a sense of humor…… Thanks Wally, for your support..
A couple of days later it hit me, you can’t eat honeymoon steaks till your wedding night…Then you’ll never be able to eat them again…….
Tacos happen!!!!! Make a burrito happy……
My love life filed bankruptcy, my body disowned me, and my dick sued me…..All cause I can’t find a girlfriend……..
I’m already a ghost!!!!
A casino never hides the slot machine, they leave the slot machines out were you can find them, and play with them…. I f only you could teach a woman to do that…..
Being a normal male, will get you thrown in jail……
Lady slippers, and foxglove… A deadly combination….
Lynch pins rule….. Hitch it up….. Hook it up….
Hey Sam, shouldn’t you be kissing Vestals feet????? Us normal men will be passionately kissing the normal woman’s ass….. and a couple of other things….
A pink nose, is better than a brown nose…….
Don’t COPlicate my life stupid…..

A couple of years ago, my mother was talking about giving up driving, she’s old and a little scared of accidents…. I made a deal with mom to buy her car….. In January she had a stroke…. She is staying with my brother, in between the nursing home, and living by herself again……. I hadn’t said anything about the car till I see how much she recovers….. She might not be able to drive again….
My nephew, wants a car so bad he can taste it, but doesn’t have any money…. My brother doesn’t have any money either…. The only way he can get a car is to con my mom out of her car……. He will promise to pay her, but won’t…. They are putting so much pressure on my mom over the car, under the guise of we need the car to take care of you, that my mom begged my to back out of the deal I had to buy the car….. I had told my brother that I was buying the car from mom, I hope this is not going to be a problem…… I had predicted to my other brother they would try to take moms car, and I was right….. I’m really mad about this, but can’t do any thing about it…… If i buy the car, every one will be mad at me….. And mom will give the nephew the money to buy a car…… If I bow out, my mom will never get a dime for the car…… I can’t stop mom, and I can’t protect her, I can’t make them pay her…. It’s a catch 22… I’m in the right, they are wrong……. I had to back down… I lose, mom loses……… Don’t the good guys ever win……. I’ll let karma take over………

I’m a Vagdrama school drop out,
I couldn’t take the pressure,
I couldn’t take the pain.
I couldn’t take what those Vagdrama girls,
Were doing to my brain…….
I’m a Vagdrama school drop out,
I just wanted to get laid,
Those Vagdrama girls wanted money,
They wanted to get paid……
Vagdrama girls look good,
They pretend to be hot…..
I learned fast I was never,
Going to get into a Vagdrama slot……
Dirty magazines get it right….. They expose woman for what they really are….. If it were not for dirty magazines, I would not remember what woman really look like……
There has to be more to life, than work, bills, and Celibacy…..

Feature, Garage Physiology……
I’ve been around a garage most of my life, and I could write a book about it, and the crazy things guys do….. This is based on many garages over 50 years…..
The only air hose, extension cord, creeper, floor jack, they can ever find, is the one I’m using……. There are the ones who only listen to shit for music…… I listen to country, oldies, classic rock, and a or a station that plays a good variety… They play shit for music too loud…. The worst, news, sports, talk, radio….. Please shoot me now….. Rap, Reggae, hip hop, Cuban, Mexican, south American, weird songs no one ever heard before should not be played in that situation….. And never loud……..
Guys in a shop, don’t know how to close draws, cabinets, doors…… They don’t put things back, so you can find them….. They pee on the toilet seat, not enough brains to put it up….
Borrowers, relentless, ignorant idiots!!!!! If you need a tool go buy it…. It is so annoying to have someone constantly wanting to borrow something….. And wondering if your going to get it back…. Going threw my tool box when I’m not looking, it’s not necessary, and it’s rude….. A guy borrowed a specialty vice grip, Didn’t give it back, then got fired… i had to buy a new one….. &24.00….. He stole my air saw blades too, took them out of my box…
Get out of my fucking parking spot!!!!! Always someone trying to take my spot…. I worked at a shop, where I parked in the dirt, next to a big oak tree…. Suddenly, a spot no one ever wanted to park in, became the most popular spot…… Ass holes!!!!!!! Everyone wants to park in front of me, behind me, beside me….. I always get some jerk parks beside me during lunch, and leaves the noisy truck running…… Some idiots stand behind my car at lunch and talk on their phone, or stage bull shit sessions where I can hear them… My luck time is the noisiest half hour of the day….
People can’t walk around you, they have to walk threw the area where you are working and walk on your tools…. If they need a fender stand, just take the one I’m using, don’t bother finding one I’m not using….
Name calling, I get sick of hearing my name all day long for no reason at all… The only time someone is looking for me, is when I’m in the bathroom, and can’t get up fast…. The jerk who knocks on the bath room door, real loud, and is gone when you get out, so you can’t punch his lights out…..
Practical jokes….. Sometimes are cool, but often get carried away…… Some guys don’t know when to quit…… I worked at a place where the druggie, would pour battery acid on metal shavings next to the vent into the bathroom,, man did that stink.. What an asshole!!!
I’m not gay…. I have never been gay, never will be…. I like girls, even if they are a pain in the ass, and impossible to get….. So gay insinuation is bad….. A guy asked me if I want to have sex, if I want to fuck, he try’s to kiss me, hug me, and says he wants to threw me into bed……. Come on, even if I was gay, that would not happen at work….
I won’t go in the break room at lunch….. Noisy, loud, rude, inconsiderate, constant cell phone noise and talking….
Smoking pot at work….. No one should ever be smoking pot or drinking during work!!!!! You can’t work while impaired…. I can’t drink, alcohol makes me sick… Pot fumes also make me sick… You are hurting my health, by smoking pot around me……..
Showing up for work hung over, effects the quality of work, it also tends to any others when you take out your hangover on co workers…. I’ve had to deal with  hungover guys who didn’t want you to make any noise……. That’s impossible in a garage…
To be continued…….

Feature…. Famous woman I wish I could date….. Non of whom, would ever bother with me…. No body pretty ever has, or ever will date me, or sleep with me…. I’ve been proving it sense elementary school…… I can’t even get nobody’s, or fat, or ugly girls to go out with me… I’ve never had any luck with woman….. Here’s a dream list….
Charlize Theron, Milla Jovovich, Jennifer Lawrence, Miley Montana, Brittany Spears, Selena Gomez, Katie Cassidy, Lindsey Lohan, Susan Cowsill, Agent 99, Wrangler Jane, Mary Ann, { not Ginger! } Liv Tyler, Gemma Arterton, Dakota fanning, Elizabeth Olsen, Gina Gershon, Drea de Matteo, Ashley Scott, Haley Lu Richardson, Brooklyn Decker, Jana Kramer, Keira Knightley, Lea Thompson, Paige, Annalynne McCord, Candace Cameron Bure, Danica McKellar, The girls of Runaway June, all three, Rachel Boston, Mackenzie Porter, Alicia Vikander, Kelsey Balerini, Marin Morris, Mandy Moore, Ann Hathaway, Emma Roberts, Sara Paxton, Jenny Slate, Chloe Grace Moretz, Amanda Bynes, Gammora, Zoe Saldana,,,Karen Gillan, Jennifer Aniston, Elle Fanning, Daisy Ridley, Drew Barrymore, Zoey Deutch, Eva Green, Amy Schumer, Emma Stone, Rachel Weisz, Summer Glau, Jessica Rothe,,, Kaley Cuoco, Reese Witherspoon, Anna Kendrick, Lisa Kudrow, Margot Robbie, Elizabeth Banks, Becky G Ludilin, Kate Winslet, Hillery Duff, Lucy Hale, Gwyneth Paltrow, Saoirse Ronan, Mia Wasikowska, Tilda Swinton, Amanda Seyfried, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kate Hudson, Goldie Horn, Kate Beckinsale, Melissa Joan Hart, Bea Santos, Carlene Carter, Lacey Chabert, Mila Kunis, Emily Hampshire, Scarlett Johansson, Hayden Panettiere, Leighton Meester, Annasophia Robb, Alice Englert, Kara Hayward, Lucy Fry, Isla Fisher, Debby Ryan, Isabel Glasser, Lily James, Juliette Binoche, Kat Dennings, Shailene Woodley, Amanda Crew, Bella Heathcote, Michelle Pfeiffer, Bella Thorne, Mae Whitman, Joan Jett,  Aubrey Plaza, Alia Shawkat, Winona Ryder, Emmy Rossum, Dolly Parton, Jessica Alba, Peggy Lipton, { R.I.P. } Halston Sage, Jennifer Beals, Kate Nash, Liz Phair, Lita Ford, Sandy West, Carrie Underwood, Sherrie Currie, Ashly Judd, Riley Kenough, Patty Loveless, Lacy J. Dalton, Jannie Frickie, The girls from Skillet, Gretchen Wilson, Tanya Tucker, Wendy Wilson, China Philips, Ronnie Spector, Dianna Ross, Rita Coolidge, Butterfly Boucher, Diane Keaton, Grace Potter, Jennifer Paige, Jennifer Gardner, Hope Davis, Tessa Thompson, Emma Watson, Tina Fey, Emilia Clark, Jessica Caspian, Alison Krouse, Evangelina Lilly, Elena Kampouris, Lila McCann, Heather Gram, Heather Locklear, Sondra Locke, Crissy Hyde, Taylor Shilling, Melanie, Lorde, Maddona, Priscilla Presley, Holly Hunter, Holly Dunn, Julian Moore, The Kinleys, Tina Fey, Michelle Williams, Michelle Monaghan, Carly Rae Jepson, Kara Mckinnon, Lucy Boynton, Kriston Bell, Meryl Streep, Salma Hayek, Alice Eve, Krysten Ridder,`Frances O’Connor, Kerry Russell, Aly Michalka, A.J. Michalka, Demi lovato, Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena malone, Laura Linney, Jamie Chung, Carla Gugino, Loretta Lynn, Sissy Spacek, Alexandra Dadoario, Catherine Mary Stewart, Teresa Palmer, Jill Wagner, Brook Langton, Charlene Closshey, Marilu Henner, Alicia Whitt, Michelle Holden, Emma Thompson, Melissa Joan Hart, Maria Sokoloff, Catherine Bell, Jean Smart, Andrea Roth, Ashley Williams, Kelli Williams, Vilde Zeiner, Kristin Chenoweth, Nicole Eggert, Zoey Deschanel, Virgina Madsen, Lindsey Haun, Nia Vardalos, Alyson Hannigan, Tara Reid, Jennifer Coolidge, Naomi Watts, Amy Smart, Torrey Devitto Stevelund, Jenny McCarthy, Connie Britton, Julie Benz, Elizabeth Berkley, Beverly D’angelo, Christina Milian, Michelle Morgan, Amber Marshall, Rita Wilson, Jessica Biel, Roma Downey, Julia Roberts, Mara Rooney, Ogla Kurylenko, Meissa Leo, Andrea Riseborough, Kathryn Prescott, Marg Helgenberger, Jodie Comer, Rachel Platten, Laurie Morgan, Jacklin Smith, Megan doll, Jessica Chobot, Maria Menenos, Candy O’terry, Sofia Pernas, Stassi Schroeder, Sara Evens, Sara’s sister, Karen Fairchild, Pussy Galore, Lisa Vaginapump, Daisy Duke, Meja, Bobby Gentry, Lane Brody, Jeannie C Riley, Rose Ann Cash, Carlene Carter, Barbra Eden, Lynn Anderson… Jennifer Conlley  Kasey Musgraves, Mikaela Shiffrins, Chloe Kim, Ella Purnell, Caitlin Fitzgerald, Shelly West, The wild rose, Jessie Buckley, JoDee Messina, Jandee Lee Porter, Danielle Bradberry, Piper Perabo, Samara Weaving, Cara Delevingne, Kassi Ashton, Hallie Atwell, Erin karpluk, Julia Hatfield , Vanessa Evigan, bethenny Frankel, Lili Reinhart, Constance Wu, Lily Rose Depp, Rachael Platten……
My illusive Muse, who’s entrance into my life almost 50 years ago, started me writing, story’s, poems, songs…. She would become the witch / Angel of my dreams…. I owe her an explanation, and a great deal of thanks….  Angelique Collins, I don’t know the actresses name……      { Who Inspired my fascination with witch’s, Via Dark shadows when I was a kid. } ……..
To be continued, If I come up with more names…….
As you can see I have very good taste in woman….. I fall for the best… But I can never get the ones I like.. They will never date me, love me, sleep with me… This is all wishful thinking, and not to be taken seriously …… Thank you lady’s for having a sense of humor in this dream…….. Story’s, comedy, Dreams are all I have left…. I have to thank my D.V.D. , collection, I could not have come up with this many names on my own…….. If there are any duplicate names, it was an accident….. I realize some of these woman are too young for me, some are too old…. You can’t control who you find attractive…. Some were crushes I had as a kid, from t.v. or radio…..
To any nice lady’s, who’s names are not on the list, I didn’t leave you out on purpose…… I couldn’t think of your name with out help……

Twisted song lyrics….. R  rated words to songs you know and love….. Don’t blame me if you don’t like these, It’s real life, Not the never sex land today’s females want…

Sung to the tune of Blueberry hill…..
I found my fucking thrill, cause she took the pill, on Blueberry hill, when I fucked her……
The moon stood still, as I went in for the kill, balls deep in her, on blue berry hill…
The wind in the willows, couldn’t hide the noise, cause I was making her scream, in the great out doors….
Tho were apart, I remember her still, the night i fucked her for real, cause she took the pill…. On blue berry hill…….. I got her cherry!!!!!! On blue berry hill………

Sung to the tune of White Christmas….
I’m dreaming of some tight pussy, just like the ones I use to know…..
The ones I had in High school, Fuck the rules, we were getting Laid….
I’m dreaming of some tight pussy, with every love song that I wright….
May the pussy be cherry, and tight,,,,, And may all the pussy feel right!!!!!!!

Sung to the tune of , now I lay me down to cheat…. { Shelly West.  1982, It’s on you tube.. }
Now I lay me down to fuck, and all the woman I want to buck…
I fallen angel between her legs, when I lay me down to fuck…..
It’s a nice night, think I feel like dancing… And later on I’ll bring some cowgirl home…..
Your never around, your ass you won’t let me pound, why do I have a wife, when she won’t sleep with me…..  She won’t bang me!!!!!
Now I lay me down to cheat, Stray woman can’t be beat…. I try to keep sluts off the street,,, When I lay me down to fuck…… And she gives me a little,,,,,,, suck…….

Sung to the tune of, moon dance…..
It’s a marvelous night for some big tit’s, with the moon up above in the sky……
It’s a marvelous night to get laid, under the cover of October sky’s……
And the sweet, sweet pussy, seams to be hot to the touch,
And all the sex magic, makes you, kind of blush……
Can I just have one more moon fuck with you, my love…..
Can I just do one more great 69, with you, my love……..
Can I have just have one more,,,,,,,, Moon fuck, with you, my love……

Sung to the tune of, Chapel of love…
Going to the bed room, and were gonna get laid,
going to the bed room and were gonna get laid,
man I’m really horny and were gonna get laid,
Going to the bed room, of love!!!!!!
OOH, birds will sing, we don’t need a stupid ring,
OOH, I’ll lick you, if you keep licking me……
Gonna fuck and we won’t tarry,
Hell were not getting married….
Just going to the bed room of fucking love………..

Sung to the tune of, I almost called her baby by mistake…… The Gatlin brothers, 1982….
I almost fucked your best friend by mistake,
Almost tried to make with her, what only you and I could make…..
I almost stuffed my dick, into her twat, and it would have felt great!!!!!!
I almost banged your hot best friend, by mistake…….
I really sixty 9’ed your best friend by mistake,
Truth be known I wanted to, thank God you didn’t catch us…….
I almost came inside her with a vengeance, after drinking beer…….
I wish I’d fucked your best friend by mistake!!!!!!!

Sung to the tune of, Little Red riding hood…..
Hey there little red riding snatch,
I want to be in your bushy patch……..
Your everything a big bad Dick would want…..
Hey there little red riding snatch,
I’d like to whip up a big batch…..
Of hot seamen for you lovely twat…..
What big tits you have, all the better to suck and grab,
You better take the pill, so i won’t get caught having a thrill…
Hey there little red riding snatch,
I hope there won’t be a legal catch….
I can leave money in your basket for you………
What big tits you have, the kind that drives a man mad…
Your everything a horny wolf man could want…….
What a big dick I have, just the kind to drive snatch mad….
Before we use the bed at grandmas place, I’ll finger fuck you for a while…
I’m gonna keep a sheep skin condom on, till I’ve been shown,
that you can be trusted to take the pill before you leave home……

Sung to the tune of, Smell of incense… By south west f.o.b., 1967….
She was a beautiful chic, she was teasing my dick…..
I had the hots for the girl, with her hair all swirls……
She is a childhood dream, I wanted to make her scream…..
I asked her to take off her blue jeans,
And the smell of pussy filled the room….
And the sweet smell of pussy filled the room………
She went down on my dick, licking it so quick….
I was filled with desire, my head was on  fire…..
She put my fingers into her twat, she was amazingly hot…..
I put my face down on her muff, couldn’t get enough of her stuff,
And the smell of pussy filled the room…..
And the sweet smell of pussy filled the room….
The smell or pussy filled my head…….

Sung to the tune of, Will you still love me tomorrow…
Tonight your pussy is mine completely,
You blowing me so sweetly…..
Tonight the look of lust is in your eyes,
But will you still fuck me tomorrow…….
Is this a lasting orgasmic treasure,
Or just a moments fucking treasure,
Tonight the look of lust is in your eyes,
But will you still fuck me tomorrow……..
Tonight with sex unspoken, you tell me I’m the only one,
Will i be replaced, when the lust meets the rising sun…..
I need to know if your love, Is a piece of ass I can be sure of,
Tonight that look of lust is in your eyes,
but will you still fuck me tomorrow….

Sung to the tune of, Smoking in the boys room…..
Looking down the hall, there ain’t no body here,
Got a couple of girls, were looking for somewhere…..
For some privacy, a little time alone,
Looking for a place to go and bone…..
Gonna hide in a place with stall and a throne….
Fucking in the girls room, fucking in the girls room,
Don’t you fill me up with your rules,
Cause everybody knows that fucking ain’t allowed in school…..
Looking in the girls room, there ain’t nobody here…..
I wish we had a couple cans of beer…….
me and Mary we are in the end stall,
Her legs are spread, and shes up against the wall…..
My buddy is getting a blow job, in stall no two,
From a red head, named Becky Sue…
Fucking in the girls room, Fucking in the girls room,
Don’t you slam me with your stupid rules,
Everybody knows that fucking ain’t allowed in school…..
{ unless teachers are doing it….. Just saying…. }

Sung to the tune of, Give peace a chance….
All men are saying, is give sex a chance,
all men are saying , is give sex a chance……
Woman are talking about restraining orders,
money to spend, sexual boarders…..
Alimony, being phony, girl baloney,
Staying away from the man Salome…
All men are saying, is give sex a chance….
All men are praying, to give sex a chance……

Sung to the tune of cold turkey…
Cold pussy has got me on the run,
Cold pussy has got me on the run……
My temperatures rising, but you won’t let me in….
I’m going crazy, for a piece of your skin….
Cold pussy has got me on the run……

Sung to the tune of dear prudence….
Dear vagina, won’t you come out to play,
Dear vagina, It’s a bran new day……
My dick is up, the sky is blue,
Life is beautiful, and vaginas are too…
Dear vagina, won’t you come out to play,
Dear vagina, it doesn’t pay to be gay…….
Men have needs, girls do too,
so lets get laid, like humans are meant too…..
Dear Vaginas, won’t you come out to play….
Dear vaginas, let me put my face between your legs…….

Sung to the tune of, If I had a hammer…
If I had a pussy, I’d get laid in the morning,
I’d get laid in the evening, get laid anytime I want…
I’d get hammered for freedom, get fucked for justice,
Get laid to ring my body, all over this land…..
If I had a pussy, I could get laid any time,
I wouldn’t waist sex, like woman always do….
Cause men understand sexual freedom,
Men know sexual justice, Men know sex between men and woman is a good thing,,
I’d get laid all over this land,,, all over this land, It pays to think like a man……

Sung to the tune of, I want to hold your hand….
Well I’ll tell you something, I think you’ll understand……
When I say that something, I want to eat your gland……
I want to spread your legs, I want to spread your legs…..
Well yea you got that vagina, I touch it with my hands….
Well your hot as hell, Your pussy is so grand, grand,
I want to spread your legs, I want to spread your legs….
And when I fuck you I’m so happy in side,,,
It’s such a feeling that my dick, is inside, it’s inside!!!!!
I want to spread your legs, I want to spread your legs,,,
I want to spread your legs, legs, legs, your legs!!!!!!

Sung to the tune of, Black magic woman….
I’ve got some pink magic pussy, got some pink magic pussy,
Got some pink magic pussy, got me so blind I can’t see…
Got some pink magic pussy, and it’s made a devil out of me….
I’ve got your spell on me baby, I’ve got your pussy juice all over me….
Your sitting on my face, and I’m so excited I can’t breath…..
I’ve got some pink magic pussy, and I’m going to cum inside of thee….

Sung to the tune of, If i had a million dollars….
If I had a lot of pussy, If I had a lot of pussy,
I could have a lot of fun, I could be inside your buns….
If I had a lot of pussy, If I had a lot of pussy,,,,
I’d get laid every day, and every night…..
If I had a lot of pussy, I’d cum inside of you,,,
And if I had a lot of pussy, I’d be rich…..

Sung to the tune of, That don’t impress me much….
You think your really smart, you wear a short skirt to show of you stuff,
You think your hot, your think you’ve got flirting, down to an art…
But that won’t get me off at night..
Your pussy don’t impress me much, It’s made all wrong, it’s hard to touch,
It’s so big it could fit a mack truck, Your pussy don’t impress me much…
There are other woman who are more fun to touch, their pussy is perfect,
I can eat them for lunch, they are good in bed, have nice tits…
So you’ve got a Vagina!!! That don’t impress me much, your ego is inflated, your brain is out of touch, you’ve got nothing to cause a big fuss….
Your pussy don’t impress me much……. and you ruin it by making me wear a rain coat!!!!
You don’t impress me much!!!!

More twisted songs to come……. When I get more ideas…

Names for all girl bands, that we wish we would hear……

The Boobs.
The runaway house wives…
The traveling Vaginas…..
The cheats….
The gold diggers….
The cat and sixty nine tails…..
The support scams…..
Denise, and the fix my car girls….
The water pumps…..
The pink gold……
Twin mountains……
The Beaver Valley band…..
Carla’s bad cavern lady’s…….
The bike seat stink…….
The nasty reputations……
Temptation will get you in jail…..
The Sex destroyers………
Vesta’s Virgins…….
The fridgged  psychopaths……
The Back seat girls……
The mad, mad, mad, wives.

Will add more as I think of them…….

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